Healing
by Scifan
Summary: Story is set after "Remnant". John's team learns about what happened to him when he was faced with an alien avatar on the mainland. He is forced to face his fears and learns how to move on.
1. Chapter 1

_** _**Author's Note: Part of this story is based on season five episode, Remnants. Some texts are actual transcript from the episode. They are not my own words.**_ Thanks you Jess for all you help. _**

_He could feel the ropes pulling tight against his wrists as Kolya's men pulled on him as if to have a tug-o-war. He knew what his enemy had in mind as he raised the machete type blade high in the air. In order for Koyla to gain access to the puddle jumper he needed something with his ATA gene. The blade swung down and pain seared through him and then there was blackness._

John awoke with sweat dripping from his brow. He reached for his left hand, still aching from the memory of losing it, but it wasn't even real. His nightmare was based on a facade that an A.I. did to protect his mission for the Sharakis.

It had only meant to distract John until its mission was complete, with the help of two other artificial intelligences that used McKay and Woolsey. They needed help with the recovery of their device that held great importance to them.

_Tens of thousands of years ago, a civilization foresaw its end. After millions of years of evolution, a race known as the Sakari faced extinction. Knowing they couldn't save themselves, they spent their final days creating the means to start over. They built seed carriers, each with a different target world programmed into its navigation system – worlds that would provide them with the chemical compounds necessary to produce, sustain and develop life._ _Each seed carrier also held a repository containing the history of the Sakari people – their struggles, their achievements and the mistakes that ultimately led to their own destruction. The seed carriers were outfitted with sub-space communicators designed to alert the group once a seeding was successful. Over fifty were launched; none achieved their goal._

The A.I's were able to reach into their minds and learn from them. Two used themselves to gain trust of McKay and Woolsey to retrieve the device make the decision to send it back on its mission. While the third became an old haunt to John. A man he knew he killed.

He recalled the last conversation the A.I and him had.

"_As a soldier, you were a threat. If anyone was to use force to secure the repository, it would have been you, the military man. So I connected with your mind to distract you," Kolya said to John._

_"Distract" me? Making me think the Jumper had been sabotaged would have been enough of a distraction," John rebutted. _

"_You would have discovered the subterfuge. I'm unable to maintain a static illusion over time. It was necessary to keep your mind occupied," Kolya continued to explain his reasoning for everything. _

"_And __that's__ what you chose?" John glared at the A.I with a disapproving tone to his voice._

"_What __you__ chose," The A.I quickly responded. "I didn't have full control over your hallucination or the direction it took. It was __your__ mind driving the diversion. I merely played along."_

_John looked slightly confused, "You're saying I tortured myself?"_

"_You torture yourself every day, John – but in this case it was your mind manifesting your darkest fears. You were the architect of your own self deception," the A.I answered with a sound of sympathy in his voice._

The whole ordeal still plagued him.

He rubbed his left hand to get out any remaining ache that was left in it, thankful that he still had it. He got up, walked out of his quarters and headed towards the gym. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn't sleep now. His head was full of thoughts flying in his mind. It wasn't the first time this had happened and he knew it wouldn't be the last.

He started to work out with the B.O.B., the Body Opponent Bag, but it only aggravated the pain in his hand more and he really didn't seem to be into it. He began to look around and found a pair of banots rods that Teyla must've left behind. He had done some practicing with Ronon, but it had been awhile since he's practiced with Teyla. The thought of their first session brought a glimmer in his eyes, despite the severe butt thrashing.

He began to slowly twirl the rods between his fingers and before long he was moving about the room as if he was fighting an opponent across from him. His movements flowed like he hadn't done in a long time. Fighting was different with Ronon. It was precise and quick, but with Teyla it was almost like a dance.

He became lost in his thoughts almost to the point where he was enjoying himself and relaxing, but then the thoughts of his failures started to surface. How he failed so many of his men; Sumner, Ford, Carson, Elizabeth, Teyla and many more. Even the people of the Pegasus Galaxy that suffered from certain mistakes they allowed or made, he blamed himself.

Michael was one of their biggest mistakes. How could he allow himself to think they could cure the Wraith and make them human? How could he allow him escape from them so many times? How could he have not known that it was Michael that was behind taking Teyla?

With each passing question his anger grew greater. He's movements were no longer flowing, but quick and sloppy. He started thinking about how they could've lost her and her baby. Not just once, but twice. Michael taking control over Altantis was something that took him by surprise. He had let his guard down when he thought Michael died when the Daedalus destroyed his Wraith ship. A mistake she should've have seen coming. Luckily Teyla come to his defense when he was getting his butt kicked by Michael and she was able to finally end her nightmare and kick it off the tower of Atlantis. If only he could do the same.

He continued to mentally beat himself more failures in his life until he heard someone clear their throat from behind. He was so enthralled with what he was doing that he lost all senses to what was around him. He quickly turned around to see Ronon standing there with a frown on his face.

"You wanna talk about it?" Ronon asked in his deep voice.

John walked over to the bench by the window to get a towel to wipe the sweat off of him and trying to catch his breath, "About what? What do you mean?" John tried to pretend that he didn't understand what his friend was asking.

"Ronon's brows furled, "Whatever. We all know something is bothering you."

John's eyes widened as he became more serious, "Who's we?

"Like McKay and Teyla," Ronon began to say. "And I'm not sure, but Woolsey might be suspicious too."

"Really?" John was growing more concern. He knew there was a new psychiatrist on Atlantis and she was the last one he wanted to talk to about his problems.

"No, but if you keep acting like this he will," Ronon's voiced boomed with sincerity.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine. I always am," John said as he started to walk towards the door.

Ronon stepped in front of him to prevent him from leaving the room, "You know you can say whatever with to me and I won't say anything." Ronon paused. "We noticed that after your trip to the mainland a few months make you haven't been yourself. What happened out there?"

John paused for a moment almost ready to tell him what had happened, but the alarm on his watch went off.

"Nothing that I want to talk about," he said softly. He walked around Ronon. "I gotta get ready. I'll see you at breakfast."

----------

After his shower, he heard the chimes on his door ring. He opened the door to see Teyla standing there with a worried look on his face.

"Oh great! Not you too," he said with great sarcasm and rolled his eyes before retreating back to his room.

"But John…," she began with increasing concern in her voice.

"I'm fine, Teyla," he interrupted.

He frantically started searching for his boots. He wanted to leave this conversation as soon as possible, but his frustration was only keeping him from concentrating clearly and kept overseeing the obvious. Teyla could see him where he normally kept them, but didn't try to tell him so she could talk to him longer. She knew him well enough that he was trying to get out as quickly as possible.

"You are not all right," she sighed. "Look at you. You have dark circles under your eyes, you are increasingly becoming irritable, we know that you are not getting the proper sleep requirement and we are greatly concerned for you."

John huffed, "It's not the first time…"

He finally found his boots. He could tell that Teyla could see him the whole time. He gave her a sideways glare and she turned her gaze away from him.

As he put his boots on he continued, "Like I was saying. It's not the first time and it won't be the last that I show all those signs. It kinda comes with the job."

She hated his sarcastic snippets and she exhaled in defeat, "It is not the only reason why I came." She stepped in closer to John. "Mr. Woolsey is going to ask each one of us to meet with Dr. Simmons."

Dr. Jayne Simmons was the new psychiatrist.

He gave her a curious look, "Why?"

"It appears that she wants to know us better," she saw John's eyes squint. "Mr. Woolsey's words, not mine."

John cleared his throat, "Well… I'm busy. I'll just tell him I don't have time."

He walked pasted her and headed towards his door. She turned around before he got the chance to exit, "He told me that it is going to be mandatory."

John stopped in his tracks, not knowing what to say.

"He has called us to the conference room to a meeting. He tried to get a hold of you, but you comm. was off…so that is the reason why I had to come."

He still remained behind his closed door, frozen in his place. Teyla reached out and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and he barely turned his head to look at her.

"Perhaps it is good for her to be here. She could…" she began with a soft and loving voice.

"I don't want to discuss this with her," he was barely audible.

She sighed, "Are you so willing to lose your position here on Atlantis?

He quickly turned to face her, but didn't think of how close they would be. He swallowed hard when her body brushed up against his. This was another one of his demons. Longing for a woman that he cannot have. She was with another man and has his child and even though they are not married, he would never get in between that. He had his chance, but he blew it.

He shook himself out of his thoughts and stepped back before answering her, "No, of course not.

He walked back to his bed and sat down, "You know I'm not good at expressing my feeling, never mind to a 'shrink'. I've always been able to deal with thing on my own."

Teyla sat next to him and place a gentle hand on his upper arm, "We have know each other for many years and deeply cherish our friendship."

John nodded, "I do too."

She hesitated to continue, "But Rodney, Ronon and I have felt you become more distant with us lately. I have felt it for some time now, since I told you that I was expecting Kanaan's child…."

"And I'm really sorry for all that," he apologetically jumped in.

"She smiled, "I know." She continued to search her words carefully. "What I am trying to say is that if you do not wish to talk to Dr. Simmons, would you not want to talk to someone you trust. Like one of us?"

John clenched his left hand as if it was in pain, but he knew it was all in his head and Teyla noticed his gesture.

"John? What is it?" her concern for him had increased considerably. John remained silent and unclenched his hand slowly.

She thought of when he started to favor his left hand more. It was after he was on the mainland and had his own encounter with one of the A.I's. McKay bragged that he was with Radek the whole time and wasn't seeing beings that wasn't there, until it was confirmed that Radek was still off world and Woolsey also gave some mention of what his dealings were with them, but John never did. It had to be something bad.

"What did they do to you?" she pleaded.

He let out a cynical laugh, "_They _didn't do anything… that's the problem." He got back up and headed towards the door. "We should go before we are even more late."

Teyla knew he was right and she also knew at this point he wasn't going to let her pry anymore, "Yes, you are correct. We should go."

He stopped one more time before they began walking down the corridor. He cleared his throat and his face crunched up a bit, "Thanks, Teyla."

She gave him a sympathetic smile, "You are most welcome."

----------


	2. Chapter 2

Woolsey and the senior staff members were all in the conference room: Sheppard, McKay, Ronon, Teyla, Keller and their newest member, Dr. Jayne Simmons.

Woolsey sat up straight and began opening the folder in front of him, "I assume you have all met the newest member of our exhibition, Dr. Simmons."

Simmons smiled to the faces around the table as they all gave a nod to greet her.

"Well, I also want to let you know that we will be having mandatory evaluations," Woolsey continued.

"What are those?" Ronon simply asked.

Simmons turned her seat to face Ronon better, "That's when the participant and I get together in my office and we talk to get to know it each other better."

Ronon gave her a mischievous smile, "I don't talk."

She let out a light chuckle as she turned her gaze back to Woolsey, thinking that it was a joke, until Woolsey shook his head to say otherwise, prompting her to uncomfortably clear her throat to regain her composure.

"Well, as I was saying, I would like to know each of you better…"

"But what if we don't… I mean want to do this," Ronon asked.

"Well, hello! It's mandatory. It means that we have to," Rodney answered in a childish, reprimanding manor. Ronon gave him a scowling glare.

"Gentlemen, please," Woolsey started to calm them down.

"No, that is fine, Mr. Woolsey," Simmons said with some amusement in her voice. "I think it's amazing how much they act like brothers. That is definitely a sign of true friendship."

"Excuse me," Rodney blurts out, cringing at the idea.

"Yeah, like he said," Ronon added as his face contorted in disgust.

Simmons just smiled and didn't say anything further. John, Teyla and Keller were amused as well, but try to keep their smiles hidden.

"Very well then," Woolsey nodded to Simmons. "I would also like to add that the IOA has asked for everyone to see Dr. Simmons. Especially since we haven't had anyone since..."

He paused, knowing that Kate Heightmeyer's death was a great loss for them. He sympathetically frowned, "… let's just say it's been awhile."

"They have also instructed me to tell you, that if you refuse the evaluation they will not be letting anyone go to any off world missions," Woolsey sighed sympathetically. "Look, I'm sure this is something that most of you would like to avoid and I hate forcing you, but since it _has_ been awhile since we've had a psychologist I think it would be beneficial."

They all acknowledged Woolsey and Simmons noted John's obvious discomfort to the whole idea. They were dismissed and John tried to move quickly out of the room.

Rodney walked out of the room whining to Keller and Ronon, "I can't believe she said that."

"I know. She obviously doesn't know how much you dislike each other," Keller said jokingly.

"Exactly," Ronon agreed. "There are plenty of times I wish I could shoot him myself." Ronon added with a big grin.

"Oh! That's just nice," Rodney continued to grumble and Keller shook her head in disbelief.

"Oh, Colonel Sheppard, may I speak to you?" Simons called out. John rolled his eyes, knowing full well what the doctor wanted and Teyla decided to walk a small distance away, but still close enough to help if he needed it.

"I was hoping to see you first," Simons said with a pleasant smile.

John's face contorted in discomfort, "Well…. I do have a busy schedule."

"Not if you don't comply," She retorted. Simmons composed herself to be more professional. "Colonel, I don't see why you wouldn't want to just get this done and over with. The quicker you get it done the sooner you can go off world."

John was about to respond when Teyla stepped forward, "Excuse me, Dr. Simmons, but I was hoping to go first. I never know when I will have a free time because of my son and I would like to do as you suggest… get it done and over with."

Simmons saw the exchange of looks that John gave to Teyla, as if to say thank you, but she didn't lead on that she noticed, "Very well. I can see you this afternoon, if you don't mind."

"That should be fine. Thank you Doctor," Teyla replied politely.

"As for you Colonel Sheppard, I assume I could fit you in sometime tomorrow, "Simmons said with a small smile.

"Um, yeah, sure," he answered, but not sounding like he meant what he said.

"Good. Then I'll see you then," she added before headed towards her office.

As John was about to leave Woolsey stopped him, "Colonel Sheppard, may have a word with you… in my office."

John sighed, "Mr. Woolsey, I haven't even been able to get breakfast yet…"

"I am aware that you are running behind today, but I promise that it will be brief," Woolsey said plainly.

John looked at Teyla and motioned with a nod for her to go to the cafeteria without him, but then the sound of gate being activated changed their minds.

John, Woolsey and Teyla quickly glanced at each other before heading toward the control room.

"What's going on Amelia?" Woolsey asked as he rushed into the room.

"It's Major Lorne's IDC , sir," she answered.

John gave Teyla and Woolsey as suspicious look, "They weren't scheduled to return to later today."

Woolsey nodded his head to confirm his comment, "Chuck, patch him through." Chuck pressed some buttons and signaled for him to speak. "Major Lorne, we weren't expecting you until much later. Is everything ok?"

"I'm not sure, sir. I'm missing two of my men…" Lorne began.

"What do you mean you're missing two of your men? Who are you missing?" John interrupted.

"Colonel," Lorne's voice sounded a bit nervous. "It's Lieutenant Cobbs and Logan. They went to get some supplies from one of the villagers, but the man said they never showed up."

John and Teyla looked at Woolsey, waiting for the go ahead and remembering what he said about Dr. Simons and her evaluations. Woolsey frowned, before nodding to give him ok to get ready. "Major, Colonel Sheppard and his team are getting ready as we speak."

"Thank you, sir. Lorne out."

The wormhole closed to end its transmission and on John and Teyla's way to the locker room, John called Ronon and Rodney to gear up. Keller was with them and offered to go in case anyone was injured.

----------

It wasn't long before Sheppard and his team arrived on the planet that Lorne was on. They immediately started searching the village of any signs of the lieutenants or foul play. Some of the villagers helped in their search.

Ronon squatted down by and alley way to observe something he found, "Sheppard! Over here."

John, Teyla, Lorne and an middle age man from the village rushed to Ronon's side.

"What do you got?" John asked.

"Looks like boot prints," Ronon answered while still staying down low. He pointed towards the woods behind the village. "It looks like they headed in this direction."

"Why would they do that?" Lorne questioned.

"Don't know," Ronon replied in his deep voice. "Maybe they saw something and decided to check it out."

As they got closer they could see fur stuck to the bark of one of the trees along with huge claw marks across it.

"It must the Cordak," the villager said in fear.

"What the hell is that?" Lorne asked.

"They are large creatures with four legs, but when they stand they are over fifteen feet tall. Normally, they live in the mountains, but they sometimes come down to feed before the weather becomes colder. They usually stay away from the village. They are also carnivorous in nature, but I have never seen them feed off of people," the villager explained.

"I've heard of them before. They don't usually attack unless they feel threaten," Ronon added.

"Probably when Cobbs and Logan went to look at them closer they attacked out of fear," Lorne deducted.

"Well, let's hope we can find them before something else goes wrong. Just be careful," John said. He pulled the radio off his vest and pushed the button. "Rodney. I need you, Keller and the rest of Lorne's men to meet us at these coordinates. We think we know where Cobbs and Logan are."

"We're on it," Rodney responded.

"It looks they are being dragged in two different direction," Ronon pointed as he observed the tracks.

"Ok, Ronon, Lorne, you two bring him with you and follow that trail while Teyla and I follow this one," John ordered.

Ronon pulled up his gun and set it on kill while Lorne, Teyla and John raised their P-90s to be ready for anything.

Teyla and John heard a moan fifty feet ahead of them. They raced to see Cobbs on the ground and bleeding. Teyla pulled out some field dressing out of her jacket and immediately started tending to his wounds.

"Logan…" Cobbs said in a weak voice.

"Hang in there, Cobbs. We're looking for him right now," John reassured him.

Cobbs began to shake his head, "No. Two of the creatures took him. I believe they were heading east… and sir, I think they took him because he's dead."John's face grimaced at the thought.

"Two? You mean there's more than one?" Teyla asked

"Yes, I believe so…" Cobbs answered before losing consciousness.

"Lorne, be aware that there is most likely more than two of these creatures in these woods. We may have a lead on Logan. Just keep your guard up," John radioed.

"Yes, sir," Lorne responded.

Teyla could see that John didn't want to leave her alone, "Go. I will be fine. Dr. Keller and the others should be here shortly."

John hesitated before nodding to her request and headed east, in search of Logan. He ran as fast as he could and soon found a blood trail. He assumed it was Logan's blood. He continued several yards more before he found Logan's remains.

He was about to radio his men when he hear a distant scream. It was Teyla.

"Dammit," John said to himself. He got on his radio. "Teyla, come in… Teyla!"

He was about to rush back to where he left her, when he was caught off guard by one of the Cordacks. He assumed it was one of the ones that was feeding upon the lieutenant's body. He could see the blood dripping from the fur around its jaws.

He started to raise his weapon and the beast began to charge at him. He automatically started firing to kill it, but not before it bit him in the neck and clawed at his torso. It finally collapsed and with all the might he had left he rolled the beast of him. As he struggled to get up, he saw two smaller Cordacks heading toward the mountains wailing in fear. He looked back at the dead creature and felt awful that he must have killed one of their parents.

"Sheppard, come in. Sheppard," Rodney's voice came across the radio in panic.

"Sheppard here," he said in a weak and raspy voice.

"We heard gunshots. Are you ok?" Rodney questioned.

"I could be better… What about Teyla?" he asked with great concern.

"She's in bad shape. Luckily Ronon got here when he did otherwise…" Rodney couldn't bring himself to finish his thought.

"Get both her and Cobbs to the gate now. I'm on my way," Sheppard ordered.

"We're doing it as we speak," Rodney replied.

"Good. Have some of Lorne's men remain overnight. Just in case those things still have a taste for people. I don't want the villagers to suffer more because of our mistake," he demanded with a slight tone of regret.

"Ok, McKay out."

They were walking through the gate when John finally arrived. They were shocked to see him in his condition.

"I thought you said you were ok," McKay said in a pitched voice.

"Nooo. I said I could be better. There's a difference," John said sarcastically. He could see McKay and Ronon's concern, but he brushed it off. "I'll have it looked at once I know Teyla and Cobbs are all right."

"You better," Ronon reprimanded. "You look really bad."

John looked insulted, "Thanks. That means a lot coming from you."

----------


	3. Chapter 3

By the time John walked through the gate, Cobbs and Teyla had already been rushed to the infirmary. Woolsey was standing in the gate room, looking overwhelmed by the recent events.

"Colonel Sheppard, what happened? Major Lorne said something about creatures?" Woolsey asked.

John's mind was concentrating on getting to the infirmary. He was worried for both of them, but mostly Teyla. Guilt was pulsing through him for leaving her alone.

"Yeah, something like that. I'll explain it all in my report tomorrow, but right now I need to see how Telya and Cobbs are doing," he proclaimed as he marched past Woolsey.

Woolsey noticed how badly Sheppard looked as well. "And make sure you get yourself check out as well!" he shouted, but John didn't show any signs that he heard him. Woolsey was flabbergasted by how the day's event went and McKay stayed behind to explain everything to him.

"Thank you, Rodney for taking the time to apprise me of what has happened," Woolsey said with deep concern for the all involved. "Please keep me informed of any changes."

"I will," Rodney answered in a somber voice and walk off towards the infirmary.

John walked in the infirmary with blood still dripping from his neck. An intending nurse rushed some gauze in hand and tried to get him to sit down so he could be treated, but he brushed them off.

"I'm fine," he tried to convince the nurse. "I need to know how Cobbs and Teyla are."

"Let me treat your wounds first and then I'll go see what I can find out," the nurse suggested.

John let out a frustrating sigh. "How about you go find out now?" he snapped demandingly.

The nurse's eyes widen with apprehension and she quickly did as he asked. John took the wad of gauze left behind and held it to his neck while waiting for her to return. He could see a disappointed look in her eyes and knew it wasn't good news.

"I am sorry, sir, but Lieutenant Cobbs didn't make it," she said softly.

His breathing quicken from the overwhelming regret. He paused before asking his next question, "What about Teyla?"

"Doctor Keller has her in O.R right now and… and they said it didn't look good."

She was reaching to treat his neck, but he rolled his shoulder to shrug her off and began to get up.

"Sir, I need to treat you. You're still bleeding," she pleaded.

John scanned the room, "Give me some more gauze and some tape. I'll patch myself up while I'm in the observation room."

"But, sir. I can't allow you to do that," she shouted as he was walking away.

He turned back and gave her a glare that was unsettling to her and she said no more. He went to continue towards the observation room, but paused without looking back, "I'll come back if it doesn't stop." And he continued on.

McKay and Ronon are already in the room when John arrived.

"God, you're a mess," McKay blurted out. "Didn't you let them treat you?"

John shook his head slowly, "Cobbs is dead…"

"Yeah, we just found out," Ronon interjected sadly.

"I… I just had to be up here…" John stutter to get the words out.

Ronon nodded, "Us too."

John was feeling a little light headed and pulled up a chair by the window to sit down. Ronon and Rodney looked at each other. They've seen him like this before when they went to rescue Teyla. His pale complexion, his irregular breathing and the distress look on his face.

"Sheppard, why don't you go back to the infirmary and get checked out? We'll tell you if anything happens," McKay offered.

John struggled to keep his eyes open, "No. I need to stay here." A moment a silence hung in the air.

"It's not your fault she's in there," Ronon spoke up.

John hung his head, "Isn't it? If I hadn't left her…"

"You did what any of us would've done… and you know it," Ronon went on.

John remained silent. He didn't dare respond, plus he was too tired to try. He rested his forehead on the glass in front of him as he stared down below, watching Keller and her team take care of Teyla while fighting his weary eyes.

----------

They had been in the room for over an hour when Rodney noticed the hand that John had on his neck dropped and he began to lean towards the left, heading for the floor. Rodney quickly caught him before he fell completely off the chair.

"Sheppard," Rodney said anxiously. He could feel he was extremely hot. "Oh, God. He has a fever."

Rodney went to reach for the comm. in his ear to call for medical help when John's eyes began to open slightly. He squinted to try to focus.

"Kolya?" John sounded confused.

Ronon squatted next to John, "No, it's me and McKay… Com'n buddy, let's get you down to the infirmary."

John struggled trying to stand up only using his right hand, "No! Kolya's here." John deliriously looked around.

"No, you killed him. Carson confirmed it …" Rodney tried to convince him.

"No… no he said he had and ancient device that tricked us," he became more distressed. "Parish, Kiang… he said he killed them."

Ronon turned to look at Rodney, both baffled with what he was saying.

"Umm, John. Parish and Kiang are very much alive and well," Rodney said in a confused, soft voice. The delirium only grew and they could see it in John's eyes.

He raised his left fist and began shaking it in the air, "Look at my hand! He cut it off so he could use the jumper. He's planning to get off the mainland and destroy Atlantis…. I need you both to help me stop him!"

"Sheppard, your hand is still there… It's the fever. It's making you delirious," Ronon said with great concern. Sadness filled his eyes and heart to see his best friend that way.

John was about to debate him until his eyes rolled back into his head, collapsed and fell unconscious.

Rodney clicked on his comm., "We need a medical team in the observation room… now! Sheppard's down"

Ronon didn't want to wait. He scooped John up and despite it being awkward, since John was almost as tall as him; he headed towards the stairs leading to the infirmary.

"Never mind," Rodney called back to the medical team. "We're coming to you."

Woolsey was already at the infirmary when he saw Ronon carrying Sheppard in and placing him on the nearest bed.

"What's going on?" Woolsey asked. "Why is Ronon carrying him?

"He was upstairs with us watching over Teyla," Ronon started to explain.

"Yeah, and he refused treatment as well," Rodney jumped in. "Apparently he now has a fever."

"Isn't that awfully fast?" Woolsey asked.

Marie, the head nurse, started working on Sheppard right away, hooking him up to monitors, starting an IV and motioning an assistant to get blood for transfusion.

She heard Woolsey's comment, "We won't know until we've done further testing, but it could have something to do with the creature that attacked him. Not to mention that he wouldn't let us clean his wounds and he's lost a great deal of blood."

"Marie," another nurse called out. "Here are the test results on Lieutenant Cobbs that Dr. Keller asked for."

"Thank you," Marie said as she grabbed the computer pad. She quickly examined the chart and her eyes opened wide and handed the chart back. "Get this to Dr. Keller right away."

She pointed to another attending, "I need you to get me two doses of Tetracycline. One for Teyla and the other for Colonel Sheppard…. STAT!"

"What's going on? "Woolsey asked nervously.

"According to Lieutenant Cobbs' chart he had an extremely high fever when he died. The test results also showed that he had an infection throughout his bloodstream," Marie explained.

"But that fast?" Woolsey questioned.

"I'm afraid so," Marie replied. "Most likely the creature has a high bacteria count in its saliva. Perhaps similar to the Komodo dragons." She began injection the medicine into John's IV. "Let's hope it's not too late for the both of them… and that it works."

In a low tone, John started to moan and occasionally he would mumbling incoherently. His head slightly moving side to side as if he was remembering something. Ronon and Rodney watched helplessly, fearing that he was slipping away from them.

"Marie, what is he saying?" Woolsey queried.

She shook her head, "I can't understand what he's saying…sorry." She continued tending to him, including placing cool clothes on him to try to lower his temperature.

Ronon and Rodney exchanged an uneasy look between the two of them, both not sure if they should repeat what John had been spouting upstairs.

Woolsey noticed the look, "What? What was that I just saw between the two of you? If you know something, I would greatly appreciate it."

"It's nothing," Ronon answered in his deep voice.

"Right… nothing. Everything is fine," Rodney's voice increasingly pitched as he poorly tried to convince Woolsey.

Woolsey frowned, "I might not have been here that long, but I know well enough when I'm being lied to."

Ronon glared at Rodney, disgusted that he failed keep his composure and lie well. Ronon was smart enough to know that when Sheppard was on the mainland with Parrish and Kiang it was the same time Woolsey and Rodney saw their AI's. It was also when he noticed John became more reserved about his time with them and not willing to say what happened with his experience with his AI.

He understood John probably better than most of the people in Atlantis. He had many of his own demons in his past that he wasn't willing to share and he respected not to push John when he didn't want to say whatever was bothering him. The one thing that separated them was he knew he couldn't change the wrongs he did in his life and accepted it. Where Sheppard did seem to let go and beat himself constantly over his past failures and trials.

"I… I'm sure it's nothing. He's got a fever and was just babbling nonsense," McKay stuttered nervously.

"Please, let me be the judge of that," Woolsey urged him.

Ronon shook his head to Rodney to not saying thing and looking even more displeased. If Sheppard wanted them to know, he would've said it himself, but he could see the torment in McKay's eyes and out of disappointment for what Rodney was about to do he walked away, not wanting to be part of it.

"I know you both think you are helping him, but we've all seen how he's been lately. Trust me, whatever it may be might be nonsense like you said or it could be the key to helping him," Woolsey pressed to get the information out.

"He said something about being on the mainland, Kolya being alive, that Kolya killed Parrish and Kiang and cut his hand off to use it for getting the jumper to destroy Atlantis," Rodney quickly blurted out. "See. Nonsense." McKay clasped his hands together. "Ok. Now we know it's nothing, I think we should go see how Teyla is doing".

He tried to diminish what was said and quickly leave so he didn't feel anymore worse than he had already did. He was worried it would get back to Simons, despite it being a feverish babble and somehow used against him. Plus, not to mention John being mad when he found out.

"Hold on," Woolsey said before Rodney tried to leave to go back to the observation room.

You could see the wheels turning as Woolsey was processing what was just said. Ronon could see out of the corner of his eyes that the man was coming up to the same conclusion he had.

"When Colonel Sheppard brought Dr. Parrish and Dr. Kiang to the mainland for botany samples, it was the same day you and I saw the Sarakis' AI's," Woolsey started pace as he was thinking. "That might explain why Vanessa… I mean my AI, apologized to him."

Rodney looked puzzled, "What? You mean you think that this could've actually happened to him? Isn't that a bit extreme? I mean, they didn't do anything like that to us."

Ronon was thrown back by Rodney's slowness, "You're just getting it now?"

Rodney pulled a face of disbelief, "Oh and you did."

"Yeah," was his simply response.

Woolsey looked at Ronon, "Well if you knew this before…"

"I didn't say I knew about this before. I came up with just like you did," Ronon interjected.

"So… why didn't you say anything once you figured it out," Woolsey questioned.

"Not my place to say. Plus, if he wanted us to know, he would've told us," Ronon replied standoffishly.

Woolsey sighed, not understanding how Ronon could seem so cold about the situation, "But if this actually happened to him, then he needs to talk about it so we can help him."

"You sound like that doc," Ronon continued to be distant.

"Don't you care about Colonel Sheppard?" Woolsey pressed on.

Ronon's brows furled, "Of course I do."

"So why wouldn't you help him? This could be serious," Woolsey said with concern towards John.

"Soldiers go through this stuff all the time. Each one deals with things differently and when they're ready to talk about it, they will… obviously he wasn't ready," Ronon spoke in a rough manner. He looked over to Rodney, "I respect him enough to wait 'til he's ready."

McKay looked at him apologetically, "What? I didn't know…"

Ronon started to walk away to get out of the room when Keller exited the operating room.

----------

She walked out pulling her surgical cap off of her head and looked relieved.

"How is Teyla doing?" Woolsey asked with anticipation.

Ronon turned around when he heard his question and waited anxiously for Keller's response.

"She is doing fine," Keller smiled. "Unfortunately, the creature clawed her up pretty badly, but she didn't sustain any bite marks. Which I believe was the reason why Colonel Sheppard and Lieutenant Cobbs had high fevers."

"Because of the bacteria," Rodney said to get confirmation from what Marie had mentioned earlier.

"Yes, that's right," Keller responded with a nod and a slight smile. She looked over towards Sheppard. "If it wasn't for Marie's quick thinking we might have lost Colonel Sheppard."

"But we lost Cobbs," Ronon said with a somber tone.

Keller frowned, "Yes, unfortunately we did. He was too far gone. The antibiotic wouldn't have been able to save him."

"How bad were Teyla's injuries?" Woolsey asked.

"Well, most of the claw marks were on her arms and abdomen. Mostly likely she raised her arms to guard herself when it attacked. I'm also assuming that they have long claws…" Ronon and McKay nodded their heads to confirm her theory. "…because the lacerations in her abdomen were deep and we had a lot of little bleeders we had trouble finding."

"But she's good now," Ronon questioned.

"Yep, but she will be out for at least two months if not longer. It's going to take awhile for those stomach muscles to heal. Especially since she's had abdominal surgery before, when she was in that explosion a couple years back." Keller answered.

"And what of Colonel Sheppard? How long do you think his recovery will be?" Woolsey queried.

"It all depends on how effective the antibiotics are, but as soon as the fever breaks and his blood work clear, he should be fine. It will take some time for the stitches in his neck and on his chest to heal though."

"Can we stay with them?" Rodney asked despondently.

Keller hesitated to ponder briefly, "Why don't you go and get something to eat or some coffee and then come back? They should be sleeping for awhile so take your time."

Reluctantly Ronon and Rodney agreed and they left to go to the cafeteria while Woolsey headed to his office.

----------

John groggily opened his eyes. He could see a figure standing by Teyla, but couldn't see who it was. His vision was a bit hazy. He tried to move, but searing pains from his neck a chest shot through him and he grunted in pain.

The figure turned around and got closer to him. John could finally see who it was.

"Kanaan… Teyla, how is she?"

Kanaan stood silent for a moment, "She is still asleep, but Dr. Keller reassured me that she will be… fine. Though it will take her a couple of months before she is able to get back on duty."

"Good," John simply replied, still feeling weak from his continuing fever.

Kanaan remained by John's side not saying a word. John was growing uncomfortable with him just hovering over him.

"Kanaan, is there something wrong?" John finally asked in a feeble voice.

"Colonel," he paused with a sigh. "I know that I am not like you, Teyla and the rest of you men. I do not go off to other worlds and fight, so as I am here looking at the mother of my child and wonder how you could have left her alone? How could you have allowed this?"

John eyes had finally come to focus better and as Kanaan stepped back John could see the bandages on Teyla's forearms. He could see faint traces of darken blood on the arm closer to him that had seeped through her dressings. A painful reminder of what the creature had done to her.

John closed his eyes in pain as Kanaan turned away from Teyla to face him again, waiting for an answer.

"Colonel, please. I need to know why you left her alone and unprotected," Kanaan continued trying not to be overly persistent.

John opened his mouth to answer, but he was interrupted.

"I told him to," replied the voice from behind.

Kanaan whipped around, "Teyla. I am most grateful to see you are awake."

He smiled, but it faded when he saw that she was not quick to turn the same gesture. She looked over to see John turning his gaze away from her. She had seen that look before and she knew he was feeling guilty. She also noticed his pale complexion and the bandage on his neck, she knew he did not come out of the ordeal unscathed either.

"Joh… Colonel Sheppard did what he knew had to be done. He had to look for Lieutenant Logan while I stayed to tend to Lieutenant Cobbs' wounds. It would have been no different if it was any other member of the team," Teyla explained.

"But they are both dead…" Kanaan blurted out. "…And we could have lost you…"

The anguish of the recent news only increased John's guilt. Teyla could tell it bother him more as he turned his face away much as comfort would allow.

"But you did not and there is no need to continue with this," Teyla rebuked Kanaan with a bit more stern tone.

Keller rushed into the room, "What is going on? My monitors are showing that my patient's heart rate is going up."

"I… I did not mean…" Kanaan stuttered.

Keller went to check on Sheppard. His eyes were closed and his skin tone was paler than before. She quickly gazed at the monitor.

"Get me a dose of Atenolol! His blood pressure and his pulse are too high and get me some more ice packs! His fever is on the rise again!" Keller ordered her staff. "Kanaan, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave."

Kanaan gave Teyla an apologetic look, "I did not mean to…"

"I know, Kanaan," Teyla said softly.

Maria heard his concern, "It wasn't you. It's the infection. The fever is doing this."

She gave him a small, reassuring smile as she led him out of the infirmary and all Teyla could do was watch helplessly as Keller and her medical team frantically work on John.

"Jennifer?" Teyla called out in a small voice.

"We're doing our best, Teyla. This infection is foreign and it's trying to resist the antibiotic were giving him." Keller injected a syringe into John's IV. "Hopefully this one, which is the strongest we have, will do the trick."

The medical team piled on cold packs on John to try to quickly bring his temperature down. All they could do was to wait and see.

----------


	4. Chapter 4

Rodney and Ronon were in the infirmary, waiting for their friends to wake up. Teyla had drifted back to sleep after John's heart rate and blood pressure went down and after her pain medicine kicked back in. Joh began to stir a bit and Rodney quickly got up followed by Ronon.

John's eyes started to open. He could see Rodney standing over him, "Did I die and go to hell?"

Rodney didn't know what to say at first until he saw the small smirk on John's face, Rodney and Ronon both smiled.

"Nice to hear you cracking jokes. That's always a good sign that you're getting better," Rodney said with a grin. "How are you feeling?"

"Besides having the worse headache I've ever had and that feel like death warmed over, I'm fine." John turned his head to look at Teyla, "How is she doing?"

"Apparently, she's doing a lot better than what you were earlier," Rodney answered.

"Yeah, Jen said it was touch and go for awhile, but she thinks they have everything under control now," Ronon added.

John saw a look that was exchanged between Ronon and Rodney. He could tell that Ronon was encouraging Rodney to do or say something, but he could also see that Rodney was reluctant to do it.

"What? What's going on?"

Ronon nudged Rodney, "Tell him."

John wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it, but was curious, "Tell me what, Rodney…. What did you do?

"Well, I didn't know what I was saying at the time and I just thought that you were just rambling nonsense…" Rodney began nervously.

"Like you're doing now?" John interrupted.

"Well, see… I…" Rodney tried to stall.

"Spit it out, Rodney," John was starting to get frustrated.

"We know what happened to you when you had you visit from the AI's that were here," Rodney said quickly.

John was stunned, "What do you mean?"

"When you were with us up in the observation room, you started to hallucinate and told us that Kolya cut your hand off," Ronon jumped in.

"And that he had killed Parrish and Kiang. The only time you were with them was when those AI's got us to help them get that device of theirs," Rodney added.

John laid there in silence, not know how to respond to their revelation. Ronon started to nudge Rodney more.

John sighed, "There's more?"

"Well, I… inadvertently told Woolsey. So, now he knows as well," Rodney said with a bit of intimidation.

John was still too tired to argue with anyone. He let out a long sigh, "I know you meant well, Rodney."

Both Ronon and Rodney were shocked. Rodney smiled, "So, you're not mad at me."

"Of course I'm mad at you, but right now I'm too tired to care. Maybe when I get better I'll kick your butt, but for now I'm letting it go," John responded dryly.

"Oh," was Rodney's simply comment.

"Was that all that happened?" Ronon asked.

"No, but that's enough. Hopefully, Woolsey won't bring it up," John answered.

Rodney made a face, showing his discomfort, "That's the thing. I think he was planning to tell Simmons."

John's face contorted with the dislike of the idea, "Great. That's all I need." He paused. "For now, until Woolsey says otherwise, let's just keep it between us. The less people know… the better I'll feel."

Both Ronon and Rodney agreed to keep quiet.

"Teyla! Nice to see you awake," Keller said as she walked into the room."

The men's eyes open wide with surprise, not knowing how much Teyla had heard.

"Yes. I just woke up," she said with a feeble smile.

Ronon and Rodney turned around with big smiles, not wanting to hint that they were hiding something from her.

"Hey," Ronon said as he found a chair and pulled it up beside her.

"It's good to see you awake again, " Rodney teased.

"I am so sorry I fell asleep earlier," Teyla apologized.

"No, I'm just teasing. I know it's the medicine."

Teyla looked over to John, "You're looking a lot better than the last time I saw you."

He gave her a small smile, "Thanks."

Keller walks over and checks John's vitals, "Good. Much better."

"Does this mean I can get out of here?" Sheppard said, half jokingly.

Keller chuckled lightly, "Unfortunately, no. Until I know that your fever isn't going to come back and the infection is gone as well, you'll have to remain here…Sorry."

John gave her a disappointed look, "Me too."

"Well, this time I'll make sure Kanaan behaves, "Teyla grinned.

John looked confused.

"You do not remember," Teyla asked with some concern.

He shook his head no, not know what else to say.

"That's not uncommon. He did have an extremely high fever and with everything else, I'm not surprised," Keller tried to put them at ease.

"Did I say something stupid?" He was afraid he said something similar to what Rodney and Ronon had said earlier.

"No, you did not. It was something Kanaan had said. It is not important. What is, is that you are doing well," Teyla responded.

"Good. You know how I hate to embarrass myself," John said with a little smile.

----------

The next day John was released from the infirmary with strict orders to take it easy for another week. He was still weak and Keller didn't want him to foolishly do anything that might prolong his recovery. She also made sure Ronon knew that that included no sparring.

Woolsey also took advantage of the situation, since John couldn't find some excuse to do something 'more important', to have him do his evaluation with Dr. Simmons.

"Mr. Woolsey, may we speak in private," John asked as he entered Woolsey's office.

"Why, by all means. Please shut the door," Woolsey could see the troubled look on Sheppard's face. "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm not sure. Rodney told me what he said to you the other day… about me," John said uncomfortably.

"Aw, I see," Woolsey simply replied.

"I just want to know if you have told Dr. Simmons before I go and see her. Kinda to prepare myself… if you know what I mean," John continued.

Woolsey stood up from his desk to stand face to face with Sheppard, "Honestly, I haven't. I left that for you to do."

"And if I chose not to say anything," John asked.

Woolsey sighed, "I'm not trying to be the bad guy here. I'm really not. Sometimes letting go of things that makes us most uncomfortable can be beneficial and I think in your case this applies. I would strongly advise you to tell her."

John sighed deeply and nodded his head, affirming Woolsey's suggestion, before leaving his office. He headed towards the infirmary, stalling the inevitable, but he also wanted to see how Teyla was doing.

As he walked in she began to smile when she spotted him. He couldn't help but smile back.

"How is Dr. Keller's favorite patient," he teased.

"I do not know about that," she replied rolling her eyes.

"The whole time I was here, I don't remember you complaining once. Now me on the other hand… they couldn't wait to get rid of me," he continued with the jestering.

She winced in pain, trying not to laugh at his joking.

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking," his face warped, thinking and remember the pain she was going through.

"No, it is fine. I know you are only trying to make me feel better," she said in a comforting way while still dealing with her pain. "And you. Are you doing well?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," but his face showed otherwise.

She gave him a knowing look as she smiled at him, "John, you know you can talk to me. I have said so on many occasions."

"Yeah… I know," he sighed. "I have to go see Simmons and I'm not looking forward to it."

"I know you do not, but it may help you. That is what she is here for," she tried to reassure him. "Go, do not put off the inevitable. I will still be here if you need me."

Her words brought a smile to his face, even though he was still reluctant to go, "Thanks… I'll see you later."

----------

He paused before waving his hand across the crystals to Simmons' office and took a deep breath.

"Come in," Simmons answered after hearing the chimes.

The door opened and John slowly walked in.

"Colonel Sheppard, I am glad you have finally came. Please sit down," she politely welcomed him.

He sat down on her couch, keeping a straight frame and not allowing himself to get comfortable. She noticed his demeanor, but didn't say anything. She just smiled.

"Where would you like to start?" she asked.

He was becoming increasingly uneasy, "I'm not sure. I've never been good at these things. I don't ever remember doing this with Dr. Heightmeyer."

"That's ok," she said. "Let's just start with recent, shall we," she took out a recorder and put it on. "Why don't we talk about what happened off world? They day you…"

"Do we have to have that thing on?" John interrupted, pointing to the recorder.

"The recorder? I only use this instead of taking notes. It is much easier for me. I promise you that no other person, but me will hear this."

"Ok," he replied, feeling a bit better.

"Let's start with the mission where you had to go rescue Lieutenant Logan and Cobbs," she said after resetting her recorder.

"You mean failed rescue," he sarcastically replied. "Both of them are dead, Teyla is still in the infirmary and I just got out myself."

"So, you're upset?" an obvious question, but she wanted to know how he would react.

He abruptly gets up from his seat, "Of course I'm mad! I lost two men!"

"Maybe you also feel guilty?" she hesitantly added.

"Yes!" he blurted out before he could catch himself. "I mean…"

"Colonel, I'm not here to judge you and there is nothing wrong with you feeling guilty," she said understandingly.

He remained silent, not sure if he wanted to say any more. He walked to the window and gazed over the city.

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Simmons asked with a tone of awe. But John still remained silent.

"You've been with Atlantis for five years now?"she asked, still trying to get him to talk again.

He turned around, "I had something happen several months back and I haven't told anyone… well, not until recently."

She smiled a little, "That is good. Opening up helps."

"I guess I said it… or some of it while I had my fever," he continued. "I know if I don't tell you this, Woolsey will."

"Would you have told me if Mr. Woolsey didn't know?"

John lowered and shook his head.

"I see," Simmons simply said. "Please, proceed."

"I don't know if you heard of the AI's that came to Atlantis…" he began to say.

"You mean the ones that you, Mr. Woolsey and Dr. McKay could only see?

"Yes," he answered. "I had one as well, but it was on the mainland."

John stared back out the window and paused before going on. "I saw someone I know I killed. An old enemy, Kolya."

"He is the same one that captured and tortured you? Where you met the Wraith you call, Todd?" she questioned.

"Yes," he simply answered and dismissed it as quickly as possible, another memory he didn't want to deal with.

"I was heading to the jumper, after leaving Parrish and Kiang behind to check out some plants, when I heard some noises and went to check it out. There were sounds of branches breaking behind me and when I turned around I was stunned. When I woke up, I was tied up and my gun was gone. I looked around to find a sharp rock and was able to cut my ropes."

John began to walk around the room, "I went to the jumper and found it was completely damaged and no way for me to fix it. As I was leaving I saw some tracks and followed them back into the woods. There I saw a Genii soldier. I drew my knife and tried to sneak up behind him…"

John stopped, "I'm probably giving way to much details. Maybe I should…"

"No, you're fine. Please continue," Simmons encouraged.

He began to pace the room some more, "As I went to come up on the soldier, he suddenly was gone. Then I heard a voice call my name from behind… It was, Kolya and his man I was tracking came up from behind and knocked me out."

John turned to face Simmons, feeling apprehensive with what he would have to talk about next. He looked at his watch, "Wow! I didn't realize how late it was. Can…can we do this later?"

Simmons was confused and looked at her watch, then she realized that he was trying avoid what was coming up.

She gave him a sympathetic smile, "Colonel Sheppard, John, it hasn't been that long and I don't have anyone else scheduled for today. So, you can take your time."

His face expressed his uneasiness and he didn't say anything for some time. He wanted so much to walk out that door and not go on, but he knew he had to do this, mostly because it was mandatory.

"Please, sit," Simmons gestured for him to sit on the couch, " Obviously, something awful must have happened for you to want to… avoid it. Please. What happened next? What happened when you woke up?

"I woke up to have my hands tied behind my back again, but this time I was also tied to a tree. He, Kolya was on his radio ordering his men to find Parrish and Kiang."

He leaned back and combed his hand through his hair, "I didn't want to believe that it was real. I knew I killed him, but he convinced me that he had used some Ancient device. At that moment, I began to believe him. He continued to tell me that he found Atlantis by some contacts that we thought we allies… He never said who, though."

John got up again and walked back to the window, "Any way, he told me that he was planning to go to Atlantis by boat, but not before sending a bomb through the gate."

"But isn't the gate protected?" Simmons asked with some puzzlement.

John made a face, "Yeah, it is. We have to confirm who we are by our IDC, which he tried to get out of me by beating the crap out of me."

"Is that what haunts you? Is him torturing you?" Simmons interrupted to inject her question.

John turned to look at her and shook his head, "No, I've been tortured before. It wasn't the first time and I don't expect it to be the last."

She looked concerned after his remark, but she also wanted to finish his story, she figured they would talk about that some other time, "Go on."

"When that didn't work he started to spout out that I try to protect our people in the Pegasus Galaxy, but half the time I couldn't even do that and something to the point that I do it because of my past failures," he tried to belittling it to make it sound too far fetch.

"Was he right?"

John gave her a glare, as if she was crazy, "No… " He started to get defensive. "I don't even know why we're doing this… It wasn't even real."

She gaze followed his movement as he walked around her office, "But it was real. Kolya… it, made you feel that it was real." She paused for a moment. "Was that was all that happened?"

John stopped to look at her, "No, unfortunately. He was upset that I didn't give him the IDC and he called a couple of him men on his radio to meet him where we were. He then told me that he was having some of his other men repair the damage they did to the puddle jumper so he could use it to attack Atlantis, but I pointed out that it wouldn't be possible."

He clasped his hand behind his neck, as if the wrench out any tightness, "He knew about needing the Ancient gene to run it."

John breath began to quickly and Simmons saw him become more reluctant to continue, but she didn't say anything. He clenched his left hand, the ache was starting to come back.

"He gave me on last chance to give him my IDC before he… before he cut of my hand with a machete like blade, then I blacked out."

Simmons gasped, which startled Sheppard, they both weren't expecting her reaction.

"I'm sorry. I didn't…" she said apologetically and sympathetically. "Why didn't you just give him the IDC and… and prevent all this?"

He couldn't believe what she just said, "I could _never_ live with myself!" He felt insulted, being a soldier, he knew that he would have to face sacrifices… something that she wouldn't understand. " … and him cutting of my hand was still no guarantee that he would be able to use the jumper… even if they were actually able to fix it!"

"I'm… I'm sorry, Colonel. I was just caught off guard," she stuttered, trying to get control of what was happening, but failed.

"I said what I was supposed to say… so, I think we're done," he began to head for the door.

"Colonel, please. I know you're upset with me, but I really think that there is more to this," she said, almost pleading for him to stay.

He paused before could swipe his hand over the crystal to open the door, "Like, what?" He was still upset, but also wanted this done and over with.

"I'm not sure. Perhaps if you finish I could figure it out. What happened when you woke up?" she asked.

John could see in her eyes that she looked concern, "I woke up with a bandage covering where my hand was."

"How did you feel?" she asked wearily.

He began to feel uncomfortable again, he hated to share his feelings. What he had said was more than he was use to, but if it meant that he could go back to work once cleared medically, then he would do what he had to do.

"Obviously, I was shocked. I had just lost my hand," he paused. "I guess he thought it was interesting that I could do whatever for the people of Pegasus, people I didn't know. He thought that I had a death wish or I was running from something. Then he asked what I was running from."

He was expecting to ask her usual questions, but she remained silent, patiently waiting for him to finish.

"I guess he figured I gave up, because he rubbed it in my face that our two botanists gave him more of a fight… before he had them killed."

Simmons eyes saddened with the thought of all he was going through.

John looked away and went on, "One of his men came to tell him that the jumper was fixed and when they used my hand they were able to start it. Since I was no longer tied up, I took advantage of the timing and escaped. I was hoping this would give me time to figure out what to do while they were searching for me."

He sat down in a chair in another part of the room, "I set up a trap that caught one of his men, and I then was able to retrieve his weapon. I used him as a shield while the other two soldiers fired on me and proceeded to kill them. I also took a radio so I could hear what they were doing. I continued setting various other traps to kill Kolya's men."

He rested his elbows on his knees, "I finally saw Kolya and I shot him… several times, but when I went to where he fell, he was gone. He tackled me from behind and went over the cliff. I was barely hanging on to a branch. That's when he finally revealed that it wasn't really him and helped me up. He had showed me that my hand was still there. I guess he didn't want me to die so, he showed it to me so I could climb back up."

John got back up, "That's when he explained their mission and why he had to do what he did. He felt that me being a soldier would be a threat to their mission. So, according to him, he needed to distract me."

"Couldn't he just let the sabotage of the puddle jumper be enough?" she asked innocently.

"I thought the same thing, but he said I'd figure it out sooner or later. Apparently then can only the illusion for so long," John took a deep breath and sighed a relief. "Well, that's it… Thanks, Doc."

He started for the door again.

"Wait," she had a feeling he was with holding something else. "What else did he say… and then we can talk about it."

John tossed his head back in disbelief, "Fine. I was upset that he chose something like that to 'distract' me, but he went on to say that it was me that created the diversion, that he only played along and at the end he said that I tortured myself every day, but in this case I brought out my darkest fears, in a sense… I tortured myself."

Simmons went to where he sat, "Thank you. I know that was not easy for you to do, but I think through time, we will learn why you have certain issues and maybe even discover what you are hiding from and why you beat yourself over them."

She walked to the door and opened it, "I think you've had enough for one day. We'll talk more tomorrow."

"Tomorrow? Aren't we done?" he asked in shock.

She smiled, "Not exactly, I want you to think about what we've accomplished today, but most importantly I want you to think of why you think you need to torture yourself and what is it that you are hiding. I hope to hear what your answers are in our next session."

----------


	5. Chapter 5

John wanted to find a quiet place to go to, he needed to wind down from dealing with Simmons. He felt mentally and physically drained all he wanted to do was put some music on, read a magazine and maybe get some sleep.

He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't realized that he tuned out what was around him, including Ronon and Rodney.

"Sheppard!" Rodney called out.

John whipped around to see they right behind him.

"Didn't you hear us calling you?" Rodney whined. "Are you ok?

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking," he grumbled, returning to trek toward his quarters.

"Where're you going?" Ronon asked in his deep voice.

John sighed, "To my quarters… is that all right?"

"Boy, you're sure a lot more grumpier than usual," Rodney quipped.

"I just came from Simmons', and right now I just want to go to my quarters," he said, trying to remain calm.

"Oh, you went to Simmons'?" Rodney asked with great curiosity. "Did everything go ok? Did Woolsey tell her about…"

"Rodney. Enough," John snapped as he looked around the corridor, fearing that someone might hear. "Let's go to my quarters."

Rodney just realized what he had done, "Oh, um, sorry."

Ronon rolled his eyes at Rodney's denseness.

----------

Once they got to his quarters and settle down, John could see the eagerness in their faces, mostly Rodney's. He closed his heavy eyes momentarily or at least he thought he did before he heard Ronon call for him.

"Hey, buddy. You feeling ok?" Ronon asked with concern.

John took a deep breath, "Yeah, it's just been one of those days… and I wish I didn't feel like you two were babysitting me."

Ronon crossed his arms, "We're not doing that." He looked over to McKay. "Are we doing that?"

"No, we're not doing that," Rodney responded nervously.

"All right!" John shouted. "I get it. You're not babysitting me."

Ronon arms remained crossed as he looked across to John and smirked. He just found the whole conversation amusing.

"Well, so, what happened? Did she already know?" Rodney asked, like an anxious kid.

"No, Woolsey wanted her to hear it from me, but he did mention that if I didn't, he would tell her what happened," John answered.

"How did it go?" Ronon simply questioned.

"I obviously told her a bit more of what happened, but it was basically the same: Me getting captured, beating the crap out of me, getting my hand cut off, escaping, killing his men, falling off a cliff and barely holding on with one hand, then told it was all in my head and I was the one that tortured myself," John blurted out, like he was quickly reading a to do list.

"Whoa oh oh!" McKay exclaimed. "I don't remember you telling us all of that and did Simmons say that you torture yourself, cause we could've told her that."

John glared at Rodney, after hearing the sarcastic tone towards the end of his comment.

"What is that suppose to me?" John asked defensively.

"Ah… well… um, nothing," Rodney stuttered.

"And didn't you say that I said…" he stopped and closed his eyes. He finally remembered that Rodney mentioned that he only blurted out a few things while hallucinating. "I only told you about my hand and Kolya killing Parrish and Kiang… Didn't I?"

"Yep," Ronon simply answered. "You gonna explain the rest."

John's face contorted in disbelief, "No, I just did this with Simmons… and I only did it because I had too."

"So, now you don't trust us," Ronon cynically egged him on.

John just sighed and gave him, if looks could kill kind of look.

"You know it'll come out sooner or later," Rodney jumped in the teasing.

"What?" John's voice pitched higher, while protesting. "Why… why will anyone know? No one should know about this."

"It's just an expression. I was teasing," Rodney tried to calm him down.

"Ok, if I tell you, will you let me get some sleep?" John finally gave in.

Ronon gave Rodney a satisfying look, "Yep."

"And… after your nap, we can all get something to eat at the cafeteria," Rodney smiled, but Ronon rolled his eyes.

"You gonna tell Teyla later too?" Ronon asked seriously.

John didn't answer. He didn't know what his thoughts were on that.

"If you don't and she finds out…" Rodney paused. "Let's say she won't be happy, but mostly hurt."

"I know," John said solemnly.

----------

One of the nurses helped Teyla ease her way out of bed; they wanted her to do a bit of walking. It wasn't the first time she had to do this, but she forgotten how painful it would be, trying not to use your stomach muscles while getting up was not an easy feat. She was grateful for the medication that she was on, even though it only helped a little.

She recalled the last time she had to do it; they told her that though it would be painful, it would benefit her recovery. She saddened, remembering the last time she had abdominal surgery. It was the day of the explosion, where she gotten a piece a metal lodged in her side. Carson, their kindly, Scottish doctor, who was also one of her truest friend, saved her life, but later that day lost his own. It was while he was saving one of his patients; he had risked his life and died in another explosion.

The day of Carson's memorial service, it wasn't a nurse that helped her out of bed to get ready to tend to the service, but John. Mixed with sadness and a great loss for one friend, she received empathy, comfort and warmth in the arms of another. Arms she sought out a few times in her times of need, arms she knew that would always be there.

She winced in pain, feeling the stitches pull with each move she made. She concentrated so much on the pain she was trying to avoid that she didn't hear the visitors that entered the infirmary.

"Mom…my," a little voice spoke to announce his presence.

Teyla smiled and her face glowed as she saw her son reach out to have her take him. Teyla was about to do just that until the nurse stopped her.

"Sorry, Teyla," the nurse simply stated, while his father, Kanaan, held him.

Teyla's eyes saddened as she had to retract her arms, which in turn made the nurse feel bad and Torren cry.

"That's right," Keller said as she entered the room. "No lifting more than five pounds for two to three weeks." She smiled and touched her finger to his noise, trying to amuse him, "Which I know he is a lot more than that."

Keller tried to say it in a cute way as if Torren would stop crying, but he wanted nothing but his mother. Kanaan decided to let Torren stand on the bed as Teyla returned and sat on the edge. He also watched his son's feet carefully, so he wouldn't accidentally step on his mother's wound and tried desperately to stop him from pawning her, but it was futile.

She carefully reached her bandaged arm around him and he began to bounce with joy. Each laugh she tried to contain brought her to the brink of tears, but it didn't matter. She was happy to see him excited and his innocence to the whole situation. What made it even better was him grabbing her face and opening his mouth, imitating what he believed to be a kiss. Keller and her staff awed at the picturesque sight.

Kanaan smiled, seeing how much his son loved his mother, but grew concern when Teyla began to grimace more with pain. She tried to conceal it as much as she could, but Kanaan and Keller both saw it.

"Ok, I'm sorry, but that's it for now," Keller ordered. "I know you want to be with your cute, little boy, Teyla, but for now you need your rest."

Teyla slowly and careful got back into bed after Kanaan took Torren in his arms, "I believe that it is only because my pain medicine is wearing off. I do not mind if he stays a little time longer."

Torren began to wiggle and fuss, trying to reach for Teyla, it broke her heart.

"I wouldn't normally mind either, but you need your rest," Keller said with sympathy. "I'll get you something for the pain, and then I want you to get some more rest."

"I will come back later," said Kanaan while holding Torren tightly. "Amelia said she wouldn't mind watching him so I could visit you alone."

Teyla smiled, she appreciated how many people of Atlantis treated her like family, "That sounds wonderful." With remorse she waved goodbye to her crying son.

----------

It wasn't too long after Ronon, Rodney and John had had supper that they decided to visit Teyla. She smiled as she saw her teammates come in and Rodney carrying a bouquet of flowers.

"These are for you," Rodney smiled and looked around to find a place to put them down.

"Thank you, Rodney. That was very thoughtful of you," Teyla said, returning a smile.

"It was Sheppard's idea," Ronon said with smirk and mischievous look in his eyes.

John cocked his head in Ronon's direction to him a look, as if tell him that he should've stayed quiet.

Teyla's eyes glistened as she grinned, "Thank you, John. They are beautiful."

John pretended that it was no big deal, "It was nothing." But a big part of him was still feeling tormented for how she got in here in the first place.

His eyes lingered on her arms longer than he meant to and she noticed, "John." His attention snapped from her arms onto her. "I am fine. It was not your fault."

His face grimaced, not totally agreeing with her last statement, "I've tried to tell myself that, but I'm having trouble convincing myself that it's true."

Teyla gave Ronon and Rodney a look and without her saying a word, they knew that she wanted to talk to John alone.

"Hey, um… Ronon and I will be right back," Rodney announced.

John whipped around, "What? Oh, well I'll go with you." He had a feeling he wasn't going to like what Teyla was going to say.

She reached out to touch his arm, "Please, I would like to say something." The pleading look in her eyes was something he always had trouble resisting, even when he had to be her commanding officer verses her friend.

He nodded to comply and Ronon and Rodney left.

Ronon nudged Rodney hard, "That was smart! We should've just left quietly…"

"Well, I didn't know what to do…." Rodney whined and the two continued with their banter down the hallway.

John found a chair and gave Teyla an uncomfortable smile, "Do I have to ask what you are going to say?"

Teyla sighed and smirked, "No. You know that I do not blame you and nor should you."

"I know, I'm slowly working on it," he said softly.

"Did things go well with Dr. Simmons?" she asked earnestly.

"Let's just say that it went," he replied. "Unfortunately, I have to go back tomorrow. She wants me to think about why I…" He caught himself before finishing his thought.

"Why you what?" she queried.

"Never mind, it's not…" he began.

"Is it to do with what happened on the mainland?" she questioned with a tone of concern.

He was surprised that she knew, "Who told you? Was it _Rodney_?" He started to get upset.

Quickly she responded, "No. It was not." Her eyes lowered. "I am sorry for not saying so earlier, but I overheard what you, Ronon and Rodney were talking about yesterday. I would have hoped that you would have been willing to talk to me about it as well…"

John interrupted, "I was planning to tell you, but I'm still sorting things out with it myself." He began to look around. "Plus not here."

She nodded to show she understood, "When you are ready, I will listen." She stretched out her hand to clutch onto his. Without even thinking he allowed her, opening his hand to embrace hers better.

Kanaan was about to walk in, but he saw John sitting next to her, holding her hand and they were looking at each other with intense seriousness. He decided to stay hidden as he listened in.

"John, I want you to know that I have always trusted you and the friendship we share. You have always been there for me, even when we did not agree. You have saved me many of times and I could never repay you for that. Please. Do not let the things that are bothering you destroy you and know that I will always be here for you. "

She smiled softly as she saw the corner of John's lips curl up a small bit and through glazed eyes he lipped the words, "Thank you."

John recomposed himself and cleared his throat, "You have no idea how much you… I mean that means to me."

Kanaan had heard enough and stormed away to head towards his quarters. He was so enraged, while charging down the corridor, that he didn't notice Rodney until he bumped into him. He mumbled a quick apology and continued on. Ronon and Rodney were both puzzled by Kanaan unusual behavior.

When they arrived back at the infirmary, John was more relaxed in his seat as he and Teyla talked about casual things, both knowing that their teammates would return eventually.

"Hey, what's with Kanaan?" Rodney asked.

Both Teyla and John gave him a questioning look.

"You didn't see him," Ronon questioned curiously.

They both shook their head no, but they each had an unsettling feeling that he had been there when they were talking earlier.

"Maybe I should go get him," John suggested.

"No, I will talk to him when I see him," she replied with a yawn. "I am sure that it nothing or a simple misunderstanding."

John stood up, "Well, we'll get going then."

"What, but we just got here," Rodney whined as his voice pitched higher.

"Can't you see that she's tired?" Ronon grumbled gruffly.

"Oh, but it's not fair that Sheppard got to and we…" Rodney complained some more.

"_Rodney!"_ John snapped.

"Alright, you don't have to get upset about it," he griped.

Teyla couldn't help but smile at how at times they behaved like children.

As they were walking down the corridor, Ronon go a roguish look on his face, "So. What were you and Teyla talking about that got Kanaan so upset?" His eyebrows raised as John gave him a scowled look.

"Nothing," John shot back.

Rodney couldn't resist joining in, "I don't know… He looked awfully mad. He even bumped into me and barely said he was sorry." John could hear the teasing in his voice.

"It was nothing," John retorted, but with a slight hint of nervousness in his tone. "Teyla was being herself and just giving me words of encouragement… Like she does with _all_ of us."

Ronon rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Something had to been said or happened for Kanaan to be that upset."

John remained silent as he remembered that Teyla and he were holding hands and what he had almost said before they resumed to a more normal conversation. He thought if Kanaan heard or seen all that, he could understand his cross behavior.

----------


	6. Chapter 6

When everything settled down, John sat in his room, trying to think of the answered that Simmons wanted him to ponder on; what is it he's torturing himself about and what is he hiding? He sighed as he lied in his bed and looking up at the dark ceiling.

Looking back at the losses he had during his lifetime, he thought it could be anything that tortured him, the loss of his mother, the rift that grew between him and his dad, the soldiers he lost during his "black op" missions, including Holland or perhaps it was the more recent loses he had to endure while in the Pegasus Galaxy. Or, he thought, maybe it was all of the above.

He clasped his fingers and placed them on top of his head. He recalled the many men under his command that lost their lives, some the retrieve to send home and some that were left behind for various reasons. Almost all with classified reasons that they couldn't explain to their family. The only comfort they could send was that they died in honor.

Memories of how Colonel Sumner died at his hands, even though he was saving him from being tortured by a Wraith, brought a sick feeling that wrenched his insides. He will never forget that first time when he saw the creature suck the life out of his commanding officer and practically turn him into a skeleton in a matter of seconds. Shooting him was the only merciful thing he could think of doing.

Then there was Ford, messed up by the Wraith enzyme that was overdosed in his system by a freak accident. He fled Atlantis, not wanting to be saved from what it had done to him. It had slightly disfigured his eye and face, it also gave him incredible strength, but not without a price. He had lost his sense of reasoning, for the enzyme was like a drug and though having Ford killing Wraith was a good thing, him killing for their enzymes was not.

He had the chance, not once but twice to get him back to Atlantis. John so desperately wanted him to come back home, but Aiden refused and at the end he lost his life in a badly executed plan to destroy a Wraith hive ship. A plan that almost cost the life himself and his teammates.

Water began to well up as he thought of Carson and his senseless death. It was something he never allowed himself to grieve over. He forced himself to push past the pain and never looked back. There were many times he hated the Pegasus Galaxy and the Ancients for their failed experiments. If they were so highly advanced why did they keep making awful inventions? Like the one that killed Carson, one other staff member and almost Teyla. Then there was another device that almost killed Rodney.

Guilt began to creep in again. Would they have even attempted to come to the Pegasus if they didn't discover that he had stronger Ancient genes than Carson? A lot of what ended up activated was because of him touching it or Carson eventually giving some of the staff members an ATA gene therapy and then they activated something, but all in all, because of his strong gene and his natural ability to use it they bravely set forth on going on this expedition.

"Elizabeth," he whispered to himself. She was more than a boss, she was a good friend and if it wasn't for her giving him a second chance he would've stayed in the Arctic, flying helicopter to and fro for the Air Force and living his life of solitude.

Hers was yet another senseless death, but a lot more complicated. During the first encounter with the Asurans aka Replicators; mechanical, sentient being that took human form and could replicate themselves, infected Elizabeth with nanites. Actually it was only one member that did it to her, Niam.

He wasn't hostile like most of the others, especially their lead Oberoth. He even helped them escape, but as Rodney reconfigured their program something happened. While in the jumper, on their way home, the rest of Niam's people were able to reach him through their hive-like ability to communicate and he tried to kill Elizabeth. Fortunately, he, Ronon and Teyla were able to help get him off of her before he choked her to death. They had no choice but to jettison out the puddle jumper rear bulkhead and eject him into space, but during this time was when she got infected.

It wasn't long after that, that the nanites started to rage through her body, like a hungry cancer and almost killed her. Thanks to the help of Rodney and Carson, she was saved, but in a year's time that would no longer be the case.

War had started between Atlantis and the Replicators. They almost lost the city when some of the Ancients, that were once thought to be no longer alive, reclaimed the city. Dr. Elizabeth Weir and the whole exhibition team, including Teyla and Ronon had to leave. Not just the city, but the entire planet. The only ones that got to stay weren't even members of Elizabeth's team. They choice Colonel Jack O'Neill and Mr. Woolsey to be liaisons for the Stargate Command and IOA.

In the course of several weeks after they were evicted, the Replicators decided to attack their once creators, the Ancients. At first the Ancients had no fear against their creations because they instilled a protocol in their programming, but unbeknownst to them, Rodney accidently changed it during their last encounter.

John remembered when Elizabeth, Rodney, Carson and himself were called into the SGC. They told them; that Atlantis was under control of the Replicators, there were no sign of Woolsey and O'Neill and that they was planning to destroy Atlantis, so the Replicators couldn't reach Earth.

The thought of losing the city he grew to love and actually was proud to call home was something he didn't want to lose, plus he missed both Teyla and Ronon as well.

The four of them came up with a plan that went against orders and a definite court martial for himself, but he didn't care about that. He wanted to save the city, but also Woolsey and O'Neil, if they were still alive. They found away to get to the Pegasus Galaxy, but bypassed going directly to Atlantis and picked Teyla and Ronon for extra help.

They had special weapons that would rotate a frequency, disrupting the bond that kept the Replicators together. That, six devoted people and a half baked plan, they were able to destroy their enemy and regain the city, but that wasn't the end. The worst was yet to come.

Many months later, Intel came in that one of their ships, the Daedalus, was able to find out that the Replicators were building ships and obviously planning for an all out war. Colonel Ellis of the Apollo, another Earth ship, had orders to attack the Replicator planet and destroy them. They made a weapon and tried to do that, but it only fueled the fire.

The Replicators were able to make a weapon that attacked the city and eventually severely injuring Elizabeth. Bad enough that death was inevitable, but Rodney thought so otherwise. He ended up doing the unthinkable. He reactivated the nanites that were dormant for almost a year. Once the nanites were alive the repaired her, but there was no way to reverse what they had done.

He recalled how mad he was. He knew it was a mistake. He hated to let her go and if there was a way to save her, he would, but not this way. The Replicator technology was dangerous and unpredictable, something he couldn't afford.

The problem was they needed her. During their escape from their enemy, they launched the city into space, but because of the heavy damage and a lack of stable power from the ZPM, zero point modules, they had to do something radical before everyone died.

Rodney came up with a plan to raid the Replicator home world to steal a ZPM. He knew he hated the idea, but they didn't have a choice and with Elizabeth's "new" abilities from the nanites, she was able to help them get in and where to go. But things went array and Elizabeth ended up sacrificing herself to save them all. She ordered him to go as she staved off Oberoth, but she wouldn't be able to do it much longer. It would be the only chance he and his team could escape, and he was forced to take it. It was the last time he saw her, well at least the real her. He couldn't even begin to think about the reunion he had with the replicator who claimed to be Elizabeth months later. It was just one more person who had suffered in his life, something John did not want to think about.

John got up and washed his face, hoping somehow it would wash away the stress or at least relax him enough to get some sleep, but his busy mind wouldn't let him. He tried to convince himself that he would try to figure out what he was hiding, the second question Simmons asked him, in the morning.

He tossed and turned, but it was useless to try to go to sleep. He decided the only thing he could do was to go to the infirmary and ask for something, especially since he couldn't go to the gym to work out. Recovery sucked, he thought as he went down the corridor.

As he quietly walked in the infirmary, he saw Teyla sleeping restfully in her bed. A glimmer crept into his eyes as he thought that she looked like an angel sleeping, especially with her wearing the white scrubs. He laughed to himself from his own amusement, but he quickly shook his feelings off, fearing that someone would notice him.

Carson, a clone of the original doctor that Michael created from his DNA for his terrible experiments, was staring at the computer monitor when he heard his name quietly called.

"Hey, Doc," John said.

"John, is everything ok?"

"Yes… well, actually no, I'm having trouble sleeping," John answered somewhat reluctantly.

"I see… and how long has this been going on?" Carson continued to question.

"It's been going for awhile, but I've had a lot on my mind today and I…"

Carson got up and grabbed his keys for the medicine cabinet, "Say no more. I'm sure someone like you, I mean with all yer responsibilities and such, always is thinking this or that and having trouble sleeping."

"Yeah, something like that," John said as Carson opened the cabinet and pulled out a small blister pack of tablets.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" Carson asked, not as a doctor, but as his friend.

John stood there contemplating if he should say anything and began to nervously fiddle with the pills in his hands, "No, I think if I just get some sleep, I'll be fine."

Carson knew his friend enough to know he was lying, but he also knew that it wouldn't work to pry either, "Ok, but if you need me I'll be here for a wee bit longer."

He gave his friend a warm smile as John began to exit the room while he returned to the computer, but then John stopped and turned back around still with an expression of uncertainty.

John walked back to Carson and quietly asked, "Have you ever regretted anything?

"Like what?" Carson returned the question.

"Like things you've done or things you've said?" John elaborated.

"Aye, many things, mostly for when I was Michael's prisoner," Carson answered.

"Yeah, but that wasn't your fault. Michael was controlling you," John replied in a sympathetic tone.

"Aye, but it doesn't make me feel any better. All the hundreds of thousands of people that he exposed to the Hoffman's disease, a disease that I helped created. Not to mention the hybrids of men he made for his army. He experimented on so many people and a lot of them died, including some of Teyla's people."

John could hear the conviction and resentment in his friend's voice.

John took a deep breath, "If I hadn't allowed the testing of the retrovirus to him in the first place…."

"Now wait a minute," Carson interrupted. "Both Elizabeth and I…" Carson stopped to catch himself. "I mean the Carson you knew was as much as responsible in it, if not more. You were following orders."

He saw the pity in John's eyes, knowing that he was not the real Carson, but still feel every bit the same, "I know I'm not him, but I still have most of the memories of what he experienced, at least up 'til I thought Michael had captured me and you saved yours."

"Carson, we're so sorry. Had we known…"John began to apologize.

"No, I know you've," Carson replied.

"And you gotta know that we feel for you the same way and we completely trust you," Sheppard reassured him.

"Aye, that I do," Carson smiled.

John sighed, "I shouldn't have even asked you that question."

"Nonsense," the doctor said as he patted John on the shoulder. "It was good to get it out."

John looked confused, "Was it?"

"Sure, I've come to terms with it, but every once in awhile it helps to rerelease it," Carson grinned, but John still looked unsure. "Look, John. I know there are many things that must be bothering you, but things happen for a reason, whether good or bad. The thing you have to do it know that you _can't _control them."

A small smile came across John's face, "Thanks, Doc."

"Glad I could help. Is there anything else?" he replied playfully.

"Not unless you're hiding something," John said half jokingly.

Carson laughed, "Me, no, but you… I would say, yes."

John was dumbstruck by Carson remark, "What?"

Carson came in closer and spoke quieter, "The feelings you have for her is so obvious… and don't say you don't know who I'm talking about. Even in my memories I recall how you would look at her when you didn't think anyone was watching and now you pretend that you don't even care half the time, but I still see those looks here and there."

John was about to debate his comment, but Carson interrupted, "I know that things are more complicated now, but wait and who knows. Things may change one day."

That was one thing John didn't believe. There was no way he could compete with her son and the father of her child. Something else he had to accept and move on.

"Thanks again, Doc," John said somberly before leaving the infirmary and back to his quarters, never stopping this time to gaze upon Teyla and her resting self.

----------


	7. Chapter 7

As John slept in, Simmons started her day early to begin the evaluations. The first person she attempted to talk to was Ronon. Woolsey had asked her to start with the core military teams, before starting on any of the other personnel that didn't normally go off world.

Ronon nonchalantly walked in after Simmons greeted him at her office door. She gestured for him to sit on the couch, where he plopped down and made himself comfortable. He stretched his arms out on top of the back of the couch and slouched down, leaving his long leg to sprawl out carelessly.

Simmons wasn't sure how to react to his mannerism, so she decided to continue her normal routine and prepare for the session. She laid out the recorder and was about to turn it on.

"Don't you want to know what this is for?" She asked, thinking he might just as curious as John was.

"No. Not really," Ronon responded plainly.

"So, you don't care that I record you?"

"I didn't say that. You just asked if I wanted to know what that was for…," Ronon answered as he pointed to the recorder. "… and I said, 'No, Not really.' Would it make a difference if it did care?" He was still being dry with is attitude.

"Oh, well no," was Simmons simple reply.

Ronon gave her a look as if to say he already knew that.

"Ok then, I guess we can start."She pressed the button on the recorder to start it, "So, let's start on how long you've been here."

"About three years."

"And do you like it here?" she continued her questioning.

"It's not bad. The people are nice here… well, most of them," Ronon said in a more relaxed manner.

"Good, anyone in particular that you get along with?" she got comfortable as well and sat back in her seat.

"Yeah, mostly Sheppard," he said with a slight smirk.

"Oh, good. So you two are close then?" she question, even though it was stating the obvious.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that. We hang out a lot with each other," he responded, but still remaining vague.

"And do you socialize with anyone else, like maybe some of the other guys?" Simmons pried some more, trying to get him to freely open up.

"Not really. I use to spar with Teyla a lot, but she's been busy with her baby so I've been working out with Bank more now," Ronon answered with a playful grin towards the end.

"Oh, so were you and Teyla ever…" Simmons began.

"No," Ronon said abruptly and with a look of disapproval. "She's like a sister."

"And is it the same for you and…" Simmons paused to look through her files. "…Amelia?"

"Are we done yet?" Ronon said slightly annoyed as he sat up straight on the couch, getting ready to leave in a moment's notice.

"Almost," she said simply, she knew at that point she crossed a personal line and decided to direct her questions that stayed away from that subject.

She was silent for a moment as she skimmed information in his file, "I see that you were a Runner, something that the Wraith made you and that Atlantis helped you remove the device they used to track you. How did you feel about all that?"

"I hated being a Runner and I hate the Wraith more," Ronon's voice deepened as he responded with malice.

"But then at a later time, you volunteered to become one and your team, along with the Daedalus, went to your home planet to rescue you. Then I'm confused why you offered to allow yourself to be recaptured by the Wraith a year after you joined the expedition."

Ronon stayed silent, not wanting to remember how he bargained himself to save Sheppard and Teyla from the villagers that captured them. Rodney, after being shot in the backside by an arrow, managed to reach the gate, but Ronon, John and Teyla were knocked out by tranquilized darts

The leader of the villager used a device to contact a Wraith lord that wanted to find Ronon; it wanted to make him his runner again. The Wraith lord had also told the leader that he would spare his village from any culling, if they would help, something that no one would ever refuse if they wanted life over death.

Ronon had made a mistake in his past, while he was a Runner he sought for help. He was tired and surely would've died if the leader's daughter didn't help. They gave him food and shelter and when he was rested a bit stronger he left. He didn't know what happened to them after that and this time, since he'd been to so many planets, he didn't recognize it 'til it was too late.

The leader, after capturing Ronon, told him of their fate and that of his daughter's after Ronon had left. The Wraith lord came looking for Ronon and out of spite they shot and culled some of the villagers, including his daughter. So, with a heart of vengeance and the reward of freedom from the Wraith, the leader agreed with the Wraith's offer.

John and Teyla tried to convince the leader that it wouldn't work, but the harden heart father didn't want to listen and Ronon knew that if the Wraith lord came he would most likely kill his friends. While they were in a stockade, Ronon found away to grab one of the villagers and grab their knife, keeping the blade to their throat and demanding to see the leader. The rest of the villagers had Ronon in their sight with their blow guns and crossbows, but Ronon didn't back down.

He threatened to kill his captive if the leader didn't let Sheppard and Teyla go. Then he turned the knife on himself, not fearing to cut his own throat. He knew the Wraith lord wanted him alive and the leader knew that as well. If he were to kill himself, the Wraith lord would be upset and kill them all. He finally convinced them to set Sheppard and Teyla free and he volunteered to stay, despite Sheppard and Teyla's plead.

But like typical Wraith's they didn't keep their promise. Once Ronon was rescued and the Wraith lord was killed, thanks to Carson using the jumper to fire on it, John and Teyla told him that the villagers were all dead.

Ronon finally responded, "To save my friends… and at the time I thought I was saving the village too." She heard the sound of remorse and sincerity in his voice, without a trace of sarcasm or vagueness.

As much a Simmons would have loved to expound on Ronon's life before Atlantis, time was not on her side. She had another evaluation do in a matter of moments. She heard him mention Teyla and Colonel Sheppard, but there was one person from his team she had yet to hear about.

She leaned forward, "I'm curious. You never mentioned your relationship with Dr. McKay, yet back in the conference room you both seemed like best friends normally act. Why is that?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know."

"Aren't you both friends?" she continued to ask.

"Yeah, I guess so," Ronon paused and a big smile came across his face. "I like to tease and trick him a lot… He's pretty easy to do it to."

Simmons smiled back, "I noticed that, but you don't socialize with each other."

Ronon rolled his head, he was getting bored again and let out a small groan to express it, "Sometimes, mostly around meal time, but he's usually busy with what he does and bragging about it and I'm busy sparring or shooting things."

Simmons grinned. She finally understood a bit. Even though they didn't have common things to do together, besides eating and going off world, they still were great friends. She was going to ask him about how Ronon helped save Rodney from a near fatal illness, but she knew he had enough.

"Ok then, I believe we're done," she announced and before she could finish, Ronon was up and half way towards the door.

He paused before exiting, "So, I can go and do off world missions?"

She nodded yes, smiling at his simplistic demeanor and he was out the door.

----------

Kanaan showed up at the infirmary, to see Teyla, and not looking very happy. She could only assume that whatever was bothering him last night was still upsetting him. He stood a distance away from her bed, remaining silent as he kept his gaze from her.

"Kanaan…" she began to talk to him, breaking the silence between him.

Kanaan interrupted, "I saw you. I saw you and Colonel Sheppard last night." He spoke softly, but still sounding hurt and angry.

"I had thought as much, but it was not…" Teyla tried to speak, but Kanaan jumped in again.

"Please, Teyla. Do not say that it is not what I thought. I could tell that something was going on. You were holding hands and…" he paused, trying to keep himself composed. "… and I saw how you were looking at him."

Teyla was now becoming upset and she looked insulted, "I was helping a _friend_! That is all!"

"Do not forget, Teyla that it was I that comforted you when you were in a time of need. When your heart hurt because you felt that the nameless person you cared for did not return your affections," Kanaan started to pace. "Do not think that I do not know now who you were referring to and that you still harbor feelings for him." His breath quickened as he waited for her response.

Teyla swallowed hard, she was hurt by his words and her once angered looking face softened with sadness. She remained silent, trying to choose her words carefully.

"Your silence only proves that I am right," he stopped quick to look at her sternly. "If it had not been for us having Torren, would you have stayed with me?"

He was going to say more, but Dr. Keller walked, unbeknownst to what was going on between the two of them.

Keller is looking at Teyla's chart as she is walked in, "Well, Teyla, it looks like you get to leave a bit early. I know you must be anxious to get out of here."

She was smiling as he looked up from the chart, but it quickly disappeared when she noticed the tension between the two of them, "I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?"

Teyla said no, while Kanaan said yes, both becoming upset with each other again from each other's response.

"I will be most happy to get out of this bed and to my quarters," Teyla said with a fake smile, trying to hide the conflict between her and Kanaan.

"Well, you still need to be careful, especially around Torren… at least for the first two weeks. That means no picking him up and being extremely careful around your stitches," Keller directed.

"That will not be a problem," Kanaan blurted out. "I have made plans to go to New Athos with him and was not sure for how long… until now."

Teyla was shocked but also upset, "There is no need for this, Kanaan! And you had _no right_ to make this decision without me."

"Then come with me. Prove me wrong," he said boldly.

"You know I cannot, especially now," she rebuked him.

"_Hold on_," Keller interjected. "What is going on here? No one needs to go anywhere and Teyla is right, she can't go to New Athos. The trek for her would be too long."

"Perhaps her Colonel Sheppard would not mind bringing her," he said with a major note of cynicism.

Teyla's brow furled as Kanaan decided to walk out before hurling more insults.

Keller was completely lost and dumbfounded, "What was that all about?"

"He is upset because he saw me and Colonel Sheppard talking and he believes… that I was show affections towards him," Teyla answered, but purposely leaving out a lot of what was said.

"Oh," Keller said, but in a way as if to say she thought maybe Teyla did have feeling for John.

Teyla gave her a puzzled look, "Jennifer, you do know that Colonel Sheppard and I are only friends."

Keller's eyes widened and her brows rose, "Oh, um, yeah, Ok. But who are you trying to convince, me… or you?"

As Keller walked away to let Teyla think about her comment, Teyla released a long, loud sigh.

----------


	8. Chapter 8

Rodney was the next person on Simmons' list to see. He nervously stepped in, but quickly got on her couch and lay down. She was surprised as how quickly he made himself at home.

"Dr. McKay, Rodney…may I can you Rodney?" she asked and he nodded yes. "You do know that you don't have to actually lie down, right?"

"Yes, but this always makes me comfortable. I did this when I had talks with Heightmeyer… not that I had a lot of talks with her… I'm just saying when I had to… which wasn't a lot, I would just lie down and it always seemed to easier to talk," Rodney babbled. "You know. I'm so glad that you are here, so much has happened since… well since she died."

Simmons quickly turned on her recorder, realizing that he isn't one that will be hard to open up.

"Oh, God, where do I start? There is so much," Rodney said, almost sounding panic.

"There's when Sheppard got kidnapped, but it was with this sexy alien chick," Rodney rolled his eyes and sounded envious. "So, that's nothing new… Oh! And there was when the whole city, expect for Ronon and Teyla got this virus that makes you forget and I was the only one about who could save everyone…. Teyla's people were kidnapped by Michael, my sister…_my sister_ _Jeanie_, she got kidnapped, but it was really me that they wanted, and then we found out that Teyla was pregnant and we had quarantine and Katie left me, but that's ok now because Jennifer helped me with that…"

"Rodney," Simmons tried to stay calm and get Rodney focused. "Why don't we just let me ask you a few things and then you can answer them. Is that ok?"

Rodney turned his head to look at her better for a bit before looking up at the ceiling. "I guess so, but I really would like to talk about all the other stuff too," he said, sounding a little whiny.

Simmons gave him a small smile, "And we will, Rodney, but today I would like to focus on a few things and then we can get you back here to do future sessions…. I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon."

"Oh, yeah, right…. Ok. I'm ready," he said, getting more comfortable on the couch.

"I want to ask you about your teammates. How do you see their relationship with you?" she asked seriously.

"Oh that's easy," Rodney said with confidence. "They love me. Especially since I'm the most important person on the team…well actually I'm the most important person on Atlantis, but that's because I've had to save them so many times and you know, now that I think of it, they don't seem to appreciate me enough. I mean seriously for all I do around here and Radek is no help. I mean he's smart and all, but nothing like me and it can get pretty tiring to explain to him all the time. I know he's not really a teammate, but he is a co-worker and…."

Simmons stopped him from going any further with his rant. She gave him a small smile, "Rodney. If you don't mind, could we continue with the question?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry," he apologized.

"Let's go back to something recent. The time you where started to forget everything because of the parasite you contracted after getting sick on the planet M44-5YN. How was your team with you during this time?"

Rodney got quiet for a moment and a small, but sincere smile emerged, "They were great… all of them were great; Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, Jennifer and Jeanie, my sister."

"Good. _Good._ Do you want to share some moments that stand out?"Simmons asked.

"A few come to mind. Like with Jennifer, she stayed with me the whole time. She even help me do a video journal to track my condition. I think part of her felt really bad for not noticing it earlier, but it wasn't her fault that the scans didn't pick it up right away and by the time I started forgetting, the parasite was already too big to operate on. Poor Jeanie, she almost lost hope, but the big guy wouldn't let her."

Rodney sat up and faced Simmons, leaning his arms on his knees, "I know Ronon teases a lot and pretends that he doesn't like me, but that's not true. Underneath all that hair, muscles and attitude is a really great guy. He never gave up when I was sick, not once. Jeanie even told me that he comfort her a bit and told her about a place they called 'The Shrine of Talus'. He had been there with his family when he was only six and saw what it did for his grandfather and Teyla's people have known about the same place too."

Rodney leaned forward more with excitement, "I know he would absolutely deny this if anyone asked him, but I heard that he was really emotional about having me go so they could have that last day with me."

Rodney sat back with a satisfying look on his face, "I tell you…that guy loves me." He basked in the moment briefly before returning to what he was saying. "The whole team and Jeanie were willing to risk their lives just for one last day with me… and if my sister didn't override Jennifer's decision we would've never had gone and I wouldn't be standing… sitting here today."

"Why didn't Dr. Keller want you to go?" Simmons asked. She had Keller's report in front of her, but she wanted to hear it from Rodney.

Rodney contemplated the reason before answering, "Jennifer is smart, real smart, but I think if it's something out of her element she is hesitant to trust whatever that maybe. Like the Shrine for instance." He sat back up. "You gotta understand. Ronon and Teyla made it sound like this mystical place. A place where their loves were free from the "Second Childhood" thing for one day, a day they could enjoy before seeing them die and if Jennifer didn't figure out just exactly how the 'Shrine' really work, then she would've tried to extract the parasite."

Simmons looked a bit puzzled as she looked at the file, "And it says here that she used a modified 'life signs detector' and a _drill_?"

McKay released a light chuckle, "Yeah, scary huh? Well, she would have rather gone back to Atlantis and got the proper equipment there, but John told her it would be too risky and so, like he always does… he improvised."

Simmons saw a smile come across Rodney's face when he mentioned John's name and it made her smile as well, "Can explain what that smile was just for?"

Rodney was a little caught off guard, "Oh… um that? Well, um… ok. I was just remembering when John told me one thing that happened when I was going through the memory loss."

"So, you don't remember anything that happened during that time?" Simmons asked.

"No, not really. Maybe some vague memories from when it first started, but otherwise, no," McKay answered.

Simmons nodded to show she understood, "I'm sorry, please continue."

"As I was saying," Rodney began to recall again, "John told me that there was a time where I apparently woke upset in the infirmary and didn't find anyone so I sought out John. He said I was yelling and pounding on his door. I guess he was able to calm me down and since it was still nice enough outside, he took me out to one of the piers and we drank some beer."

Simmons looked almost amused be the story so far.

"He said I was upset because I was starting to forget more and more. I wasn't able to do jobs that I wouldn't normally think of being hard, I was forgetting names," Rodney started to laugh softly. "He even said that he tried to trick me. He said that my niece's name was Betty, but I knew that wasn't it. He told me that was a good sign that I knew that because it showed that I wasn't as far gone as I thought, but I guess I didn't believe him and asked for us to say our goodbyes while I still knew who he was. He would do it and he wouldn't let me either." Rodney sighed. "I think besides Carson, he's one of my closest friends."

"Simmons looked at her watch, "Oh, dear. I didn't notice how quickly the time went by. I'm so sorry, but I…"

"No, I understand, you have to get ready for the next person," Rodney said understandingly. "I just want to thank you. It's been a great help."

----------

Teyla shuffled into her room, in pain and feeling exhausted from the long walk from the infirmary. They had offered to bring her up in a wheelchair, but she had enough sitting and lying down for a while. She wanted to talk to Kanaan before he left for New Athos, even if it was just to say goodbye and spend some time with her son, but instead she walked into a dark, silent room. She knew she was too late.

She immediately grabbed her ear comm. and radioed the control room, "Control room, this is Teyla…"

"Teyla," Amelia responded. "It's good to hear your voice. How can I help you?"

"Thank you, Amelia," Teyla said, sounding rushed. "I was wondering if Kanaan had left yet."

There was a brief silence on the other end, "Sorry, Teyla." Teyla could hear the somber, sympathetic tone to Amelia's response. "They just left… and he told Mr. Woolsey he didn't know when he would be back."

Teyla's heart began to quicken as well as her breathing. She knew that Kanaan was angry, but she didn't think he would leave without letting her say good bye to her son. Tears of mixed emotions began to come down her face. She was mad at him for leaving the way he did and sad for missing Torren.

It wasn't the first time he had ever brought Torren to New Athos and there were even time that they had gone for days while she was on off world missions. They both had agreed to raise him with their people and with their culture, but this time it was different. The reason why he left was different He was mad and jealous and she felt she had no choice; she had to go to New Athos and get Torren.

There were times where Kanaan had brought her son to New Athos and it would be days at a time and she missed him terribly then. But weeks? That was more than she could bear. She grabbed her back pack and began to grab some clothing when she heard the chimes on her door ring. She tried to ignore them, but they rang again.

She quickly wiped the tears from her face before opening the door. John stood there with a look of concern on his face.

"I just saw Kanaan leave with Torren. Is everything…" John started to say before he noticed the dampness on Teyla's face and the redness in her eyes. "I was going to ask if everything was ok, but I see that it's not. Does this have to do with him acting upset the other night?"

Teyla's silence only confirmed his theory, "Did he say why he was so upset?"

Teyla looked away from John, almost as if she did something shameful, "He saw us talking last night and me holding you hand. He took it be a sign that we are more than just friends."

John looked lost, not knowing what to say. He felt that no matter words came out it wouldn't make her feel any better. Then she saw her backpack with some of her belongings in them.

"What's this," he said as he picked it up.

Teyla took a deep breath and began to start packing some more, "I am going to New Athos."

"You're in no condition to travel that distance to your people's settlement," John responded with concern, but also forceful.

"I do not have a choice. I cannot just stay here while he plans on keeping my son there indefinitely," she sharply replied.

John noticed that she didn't say anything about Kanaan, but figured it was because she was mad at him. When she finished with her bag, she tried to pick it up, but doubled over in pain and dropped the bag immediately. John rushed to aid her and she began to cry.

He softly spoke to her, "You're not going anywhere." He carefully helped her to her couch.

"But I have to talk to Kanaan," she pleaded.

"How about I go?" he suggested, but Teyla's look told him that was not a good idea either. "How about Ronon?" Teyla dispiritedly shook her head no. Then John got the perfect person in mind to talk to him….

"Carson. How about him? He'd be perfect. He knows both of you and he's better at staying neutral when it comes to some things. And if he has to, he can take you with him in a jumper," John said reassuringly.

Teyla nodded yes and smiled, "Thank you, John."

John rested his hands on her shoulders, "Don't worry, we'll get this all straightened out for you."

He sat next to her and she leaned on him for comfort as he placed his arm around her. He began to wonder what Kanaan would think if he would to see them like this, but he quickly dismiss it. He was there for Teyla, not for Kanaan.

They stayed that way which seemed like a lifetime, John didn't want to move. He felt comfortable and relaxed and he missed feeling that way around her. Ever since she told him that she was pregnant he put up this protective wall, not totally understanding the reason why, but now it was obvious more than ever that he had strong feelings for her. Still, he would never act on them while Kanaan was still in the picture. He would never be a man that would purposely destroy a family.

A voice buzzed in his ear comm. and he sat up abruptly, "Colonel Sheppard, its Dr. Simmons."

"Yes, Dr. Simmons," he answered, as he looked at Teyla apologetically for sitting up so quickly.

"You are late for you appointment. Is everything alright?" she said with concern.

"Oh, crap! I'm sorry. I lost track of time… I'm on my way," he replied with a tone of urgency and clicked the comm. off.

Teyla gave him a puzzled look.

"She still thinks I need to see her. Hopefully after this she'll let me go on off world missions," John said as he got ready to leave. "Now don't do anything you'll regret before I get back and I'll talk to Carson if you want me to."

Teyla smiled, "No, I can talk to him and I assure you I will not do anything foolish." She paused. "And thank you, John, for being her for me."

"Any time," he said in his soft, raspy voice and then hurriedly left.

----------


	9. Chapter 9

John got to Dr. Simmons' office as quick as he could and apologized for his lateness. She gestured for him to sit down as she got herself organized and pulled out her recorder.

She noticed he was distracted and looked like he was in a rush to get out of there, "Colonel… can I call you John instead? I like the feel of being less formal."

John snapped out of his daze, "Um, yeah sure," He said, not seeming to care one way or the other.

"You seem distracted. Is there something wrong?" she asked.

John stopped to think if he should say anything about Teyla, Kanaan leaving, how he wanted to go back and make sure she was ok and hoping she wasn't going to do something foolish.

"No, I'm fine," he finally answered.

"John, please. This is my job. This is what I do," She paused and leaned forward a bit. "I'm here to listen to your problems and it's obvious that something is bothering you," she said, trying to convince him to comply.

John released a deep sigh, "It's… Teyla."

Simmons looked confused, "What about her? Is everything ok?"

John got up and started to pace, "Kanaan left to New Athos, taking Torren with him. He left because he's mad at her and she's upset that she didn't get to see Torren before they left."

"Do you know why Kanaan is angry at her?" Simmons questioned.

There was a moment of silence before John stopped to look at the doctor, "It's my fault that he's upset."

Simmons didn't ask the obvious question why it was his fault, but instead waited for John to continue.

He looked remorseful. "I went to visit Teyla with Ronon and Rodney and she could tell that something was bothering me. So, she got the guys to leave and we talked, but doing sometime in our conversation she placed her hands in mine…" John started to get a little more uncomfortable. "I…I don't know, I guess she did it to try and comfort me, but we didn't know Kanaan was there and…"

Simmons interrupted, "And he saw you holding hand and got upset."

John pointed and shook his finger, "Yeah, just like that."

"So, how is this your fault?" Simmons wondered.

"I don't know… maybe if I didn't go and see her…" John started, trying to reason it out himself.

Simmons waited again for him to continue, but instead he got up and didn't say anything for a brief moment.

"It doesn't matter," he finally spoke up. "He saw what he saw and now he's left with her son. And I'm worried that in her current condition she's going to do something stupid and hurt herself more… which she wouldn't be that way if I had only stayed with her to protect her."

"Let me ask you a couple questions, John," Simmons leaned back in her chair. "Did you know that creature was going to attack her?" John shook his head, no. "And does Teyla blame you for any of this?"

"No, but that's the problem… she should," John said with resentment.

Simmons sighed, feeling concern for John's attitude towards himself. "This is why I had asked you to think about why you have this need to torture yourself or take blame for things that are out of your control. This is not your fault and as you just said, Teyla doesn't think so either."

His eyes lowered, not totally feeling convinced.

Simmons paused the recorder, "How about I do this, after our session, I'll go and talk to Teyla. I wasn't going to see her until she was fully recovered, but maybe I can use her evaluation as an excuse to see her."

John nodded with agreement.

"Good, then let's continue with you and the questions I had asked you. Please, come back and sit down," Simmons said warmly.

John casually and slowly walked to the couch, as Simmons turned the recorder back on.

"So, have you thought about the questions I asked you in our last session?" Simmons asked.

"Yes, I had a friend help me figure it out," John replied.

"Oh. Was this you and Teyla were talking about?" Simmons questioned.

"No, it was Carson," John answered.

Simmons smiled, "Good. How did it go?"

"Surprisingly it went well. I had asked him if there was anything he tortured himself about and he opened up about what he had to do while he was under Michael's control and how it bothered him for doing it. It's also the reason why he does so much for those in the Pegasus Galaxy. He feels he owes them."

"So… how did this help you with your question?" Simmons queried.

"I know that I can't control everything, but you gotta understand… I have all these people under my responsibility and in most cases, my command. So, when things go wrong, which happens a lot around here, then of course I'm going to feel bad about it," John answered.

"And I'm sure Mr. Woolsey shares those concerns and feelings too, but as a leader, you have to be careful about what you place on your shoulders. You cannot blame yourself for the whole galaxy's woes. Otherwise, you would drive yourself to a breakdown," she said with all seriousness and John reluctantly nodded his head to agree. "Was that all you talked about?"

"No, he knew I had feelings for…" John stopped himself before he could finish. "Let's just say that it's something that's not going to happen."

Simmons smiled widely, "its ok. As long as you know what it is you're hiding from, that's a positive thing, but one day, you'll need to confront it."

She sat up and looked serious again, "Let me ask you a string of questions before I give you some finale thoughts for today and you don't have to answer to all of them if you don't want to. You can simple nod if you want. Ok?"

John wasn't sure what to expect, but he nodded yes anyway.

"This mostly for what happened on the mainland, but it can also apply to anything else as well," Simmons said before she started her line of questions.

"Do you or have you had bad dreams, nightmares about certain events?"

John nodded yes.

"Have you felt fearful or numb?"

John didn't reply.

"Or how about finding it difficult to stop thinking about it?"

John nodded yes.

"Do you or have you had trouble falling asleep or staying asleep?"

John nodded yes.

"Do you or have you lost interest in things you use to enjoy?"

John didn't answer, but sighed in frustration.

"Just a couple more… Do you find yourself feeling despair or hopelessness?"

Again, John didn't answer.

"Last one, John. Do you have impulsive or self destructive?"

John looked away, not sure how to answer that. There had many times he did it for his job… in order to same they city or his teammates.

"Those are classic, various symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," Simmons stated.

John's head rolled back along with his eyes and released a loud disapproving sigh.

Simmons held a hand out to prevent him to say anything before she finished, "John, please let me finish. Normally on Earth, I would treat you with antidepressants and other methods to get you started…"

John face soured at the thought of that.

"But I _am_ going to suggest you take some time off here and there for yourself and continue our sessions," Simmons finished.

"I can't take days off as much as like around here. Those days come few and far between. I couldn't even go to my dad's funeral without something coming up… and as for more sessions… I don't know," John stated before getting up. "I hope you I know I only did this because I had to. I was the only way to get back on duty… no offense."

"None taken," Simmons replied. "And I know it's not easy to do that around here, but when you can, please do so and if not with me, then talk to someone else… The whole point is that I want you to depressurize your life occasionally and get support from your friends or someone."

"Ok, I'll think about it," John said with some uncertainty to his tone. "Are we done here?

Simmons shut the recorder off, "Yes, we are... and I will clear you for duty as well, but if I see you reverting to how you were I won't hesitate to pull you off."

John frowned at her comment.

"Oh and I'll go talk to Teyla," Simmons looked at her watch. "Actually, I'm done for the day. So, I can go right now."

"That would be great, Doc. Thanks," he gave her a complacent smile before leaving her office.

----------

Teyla had just finished reorganizing her quarters. There was a small mess from when Kanaan was packing things for himself and Torren, but also she needed something to keep her busy. She had talked to Carson while John was gone and he was more than willing to help her with talking to Kanaan. Carson had suggested to her to let Kanaan calm down for a day or two before going over there. This way they could talk with a clear head. Plus, he wanted her to recover for a bit more before having Torren return to Atlantis.

The chimes on her door rang. "Come in," she called out, thinking it was John, Ronon or Rodney, but instead it was Dr. Simmons.

Teyla was surprised to see her, "Dr. Simmons."

"Hi, Teyla, do you mind if I come in?" Simmons asked.

"No, please, come in," Teyla said as she led her to a place to sit. "To what do I owe this honor?"

"Well, a couple of reasons. One was to see how you are doing and also… which I know is unusual for me to do, but I'm also here to do your evaluation," she said with a smile as he sat down.

Teyla careful lowered herself into an adjacent chair, "But I did not think that I needed to do this for a few more weeks." Teyla looked confused, but was also curious to why the doctor had chosen to visit her now instead of when she well enough to go on off world missions.

Simmons felt a bit awkward, knowing that Teyla assumption was correct. Normally she would have waited, but because of recent events with her and her family situation she needed the excuse.

"Well, sometime I like to keep things in order and since Colonel Sheppard's team is first and you are part of that team..." Simmons explained, but didn't sound convincing.

Teyla forced a smile, trying to stay polite, but still having a feeling that there was more to the story, "And you said that you are here to see how I'm doing?"

"Yes," the doctor answered. "Is everything going well? Maybe something I could do for you."

Teyla took in a deep breath, "Dr. Simmons please do not take offense by me saying this, but why are you really here? I have a feeling that there is more to your reason then what you are telling me."

Simmons sighed, "I was that obvious?" Teyla nodded yes.

"I must apologize. I was using your evaluation as an excuse to come here… and would still like to do that, but my main goal was for me to see how you were doing since Kanaan had left with your son, after being upset with you."

Teyla wasn't sure if she should feel touched about someone going to Simmons and telling her about what is going on or feel upset because it was something personal. Simmons could feel the tension in the room and Teyla's silence only enhanced it.

"I assure you Teyla, that I am only here to help you, but if you are not ready I will come back another time," Simmons said in a friendly, warm tone.

"May I ask who told you?" Teyla asked, but she had a feeling she knew.

The doctor hesitated to answer, thinking that she shouldn't because it was not her place to do so, but should she in order to gain Teyla's trust?

With Simmons silence, Teyla felt it had to be by someone that had talked to her recently and beyond the fact that anyone could know by now, she felt it had to be someone she was close to, "Was it Colonel Sheppard."

Simmons was surprised by Teyla's accurate guess, "Yes. How did you know?"

"Despite the fact that everyone in the gate room would have seen him leave, only two people knew the reason why he left. Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Beckett are the only ones that I have told and I just finished talking to Carson not that long ago. So, that only leave me with Colonel Sheppard," Teyla reasoned, remembering another time that John had voiced his concern for her and told Dr. Heightmeyer, who later became her friend, Kate.

"Yes, but you need to know that he was really concerned for you. I had trouble at first to get him to concentrate on his evaluation," Simmons explained.

Teyla looked concerned, "Did he do well with it?"

Simmons looked at her sympathetically, "I think you know that I can't answer your question." Simmons paused. "I sense that you two are very close. Maybe more so than with the rest of your team and maybe that can help him… and you during this hard time."

"But I do not know how to help him," Teyla said earnestly and with some sadness to her voice.

"I can't tell you the details of what he has been dealing with, he would have to tell you himself, but I will say this… he needs people like you to help him face any fears that may come his way and get whatever support you can give," Simmons suggested.

Simmons saw the tiredness in Teyla's eyes and wincing in pain as she tried to get comfortable in her chair. "I know I said I would do your evaluation today, but I see you're tired," Simmons said as he was standing up. "And if you want to talk about anything you are dealing with, I will be here if you need me."

Teyla's smile was weak, but still warm as she rose from her seat to escort the doctor to the door, "Thank you, Dr. Simmons and thank you for the suggestion on how to help John."

Simmons noted the informality of Teyla called her teammate by his first name verses his ranking name and smiled, "He is lucky to have a friend like you."

Simmons left and Teyla could feel the tiredness wash over her. She lay in her bed, her body feeling weak and exhausted, but her mind was racing with thoughts. Thoughts of how to help John and thoughts about what to do with what is happening between her and Kanaan.

She had feelings for Kanaan and those feeling manifested when they conceived a child, but it was never strong. She had feeling for another man, a man that was not from her world, a man that she thought did not return those feeling and in a moment of need, she sought out one that was. A man that she grew up with and shared some common things, like the "gift" that helped them detect when the Wraith were nearby.

But there was a time before she was with Kanaan that she sought comfort in the arms of someone else, in John's arms. It was after the death of Dr. Kate Heightmeyer. They needed each other, for her sadness and for him feeling guilty about how it happened. Then there was a time where she needed his arms again. Her people were gone, she had just recently told John she was about three months pregnant, which he responded by taking her off the team and any off world mission. But he needed her and reluctantly asked her to help them fly an abandon Wraith ship.

He knew that with her Wraith DNA, she would be the only one that could do it, but they had a fight prior to him asking for her help. It was about her still feeling the need to be part of the team, to do what she could to find the ones responsible for taking her people and thinking that she could still do her job. For him, he couldn't take the risk of harming her and the baby and she stood firm… that was until he didn't have any other choice.

During that mission, she was willing to do what she had to in order to save her teammates, she endangered herself and her unborn child and it scared her. When John came to her to see if the baby and her were ok after she had Keller check her out, her emotions overwhelmed her and she cried in his arms once more. It was a place that made her feel safe.

She knew things changed when Kanaan and the rest of her people were rescued from Michael's imprisonment. John kept his distance to let her have her space with her new family and he missed their close friendship. She wished she knew how to reclaim it.

Her eyes grew heavier and her thoughts started to fade into the darkness as she started to fall off to sleep.

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	10. Chapter 10

The bright sunlight screamed through Teyla's windows and into her eyes, which prompted her eyes to squint tighter before fully waking up and realizing it was morning. She had a restless night's sleep, it was hard to get comfortable with all her aches and pains, but she finally got to where she was so exhausted that she went right out.

She slowly got ready for the morning. She started by giving herself a sponge bath and avoiding getting her stitches wet and finding a top long enough so that it would not expose her bandages in her mid-drift region. As she placed her radio comm. in her ear she heard the chimes in her door ring.

She opened the door and John was standing there with a boyish smile, "You get mauled by some creature, have surgery, stay in the infirmary for a couple days and now you think you can sleep in and start being lazy?"

Teyla's eyebrow rose and she couldn't resist smirking over his playful comment, "I had a rough night."

"Yeah, I kinda figured. That's why I tried to reach you over the comm. when I didn't see you in the cafeteria, but you didn't answer," John said softly before returning to a more cheerful state. " So, I came over to make sure you were ok and perhaps see if you would have breakfast with me and Ronon. McKay couldn't wait. He said he was too hungry too."

"I would enjoy that, John. Thank you for inviting me and checking up on me," Teyla said warmly with a smile as she exited her room and walked down the corridor with him.

As they arrived at the cafeteria, Ronon was already sitting and eating his breakfast. John suggested to Teyla for her to sit as he got her some food and she accepted his offer.

John gave Ronon a side glance, "I thought you were gonna wait for us?"

"I was, but I forgot I had a sparring session with Amelia," Ronon said as he continued to stuff his food in his mouth.

Teyla couldn't help but smile widely and give him a teasing look.

"What?" questioned with a playful, knowing grin.

"Nothing. It is that you two have been doing more… activities together lately."

John rolled his eyes. "That's it, I don't need to hear all this," he said sarcastically before Ronon could answer. He decided to get in line to find something Teyla would like to eat.

He watched from a distance as they two talked and exchanged some laughter before Ronon got up and left, but Teyla didn't remain along too long. Carson came over looking fairly grim and soon Teyla's happy mood turned to a more somber one.

"Teyla, I wanted to let you know that I just came from your village after talking to Kanaan," Carson said and he started to sit down.

Teyla seemed puzzled, "I did not think you were going this early."

"I wasn't, but I thought about it last night and I figured it would be better for you and he to try and get this resolved as soon as possible. Especially with the wee one involved, "He answered.

Teyla became dismayed, "What did he say?"

Carson placed a hand on top of hers, "I'm sorry dear, but he doesn't want to come back here and he feels that if you want to work things out between the two of you then you need to leave Atlantis." Carson paused briefly seeing that Teyla was becoming both hurt and angry.

"As for Torren, if you decide to stay here, then I will go get him in a couple of days and we'll help you take care of him while you recover. One of your people, Opal, also said that she would come to help."

Teyla's eyes lowered, "Thank you Carson for all you have done and please tell Opal that I will gladly accept her help."

John couldn't tell what they were saying, but whatever it was Teyla seemed more and more sad as their conversation went on.

Carson looked a little surprised, but remained supportive, "Ok, love. I will do whatever you need me too." He patted her hand and left the table.

John slowly walked up to the table, seeing water welling up in Teyla's eyes. "Teyla," he said gently and quietly.

She quickly began to wipe her eyes and tried to force a smile, but it faded away fast.

"I saw Carson here. Was it about Kanaan?" John asked.

Teyla nodded and took in a deep breath, "It is over."

John was shocked by her simple answer, "Are you sure? Do you need me to go and talk…"

"No," Teyla interrupted. "He said that I would have to leave Atlantis if we were to remain together."

"No one would blame you if that is what you wanted, Teyla," John responded, trying to be supportive.

Teyla shook her head, "No, I want to stay. It was a hard decision when I left my people the first time I said I would stay here. As a leader, I needed a way to protect them from the Wraith and I have by staying her with you and those of Atlantis."

She started to move her food around, but didn't eat, "I had a feeling that one day I would have to make this decision again and I do not hesitate to do the same. I feel the same way as before… if not stronger."

Ronon buzzed in John's ear comm., "Sheppard. This is Ronon."

John looked apologetically to Teyla as he motioned to his ear and then clicked on the comm., "Go ahead Ronon. What's up, buddy?"

"I won't be able to help you with what you wanted to do this afternoon. Sorry," Ronon answered plainly.

John sighed, "That's ok. I'll pick another time to do it."

"Are you sure? If it was something important…" Ronon responded, now starting to sound guilty.

"No. it can wait," John said quickly, his voice pitching a bit higher than normal. "I'm not in a rush to do it. Sheppard out."

Teyla looked confused. She could only hear his side of the conversation, "Do you need to be somewhere?"

"No, I was hoping Ronon could help me with something, but he just told me that he won't be able to do it now," John explained.

"Is it something I can help with?" Teyla asked.

"I… I don't know," John's voice pitched again as he dragged out his 'I'. "You got things you are already dealing with, plus you're still recovering."

Teyla sighed, "It would be good though for me to get my mind off of my problems for awhile and if I can help you while doing it…" Teyla said in almost a pleading manner.

John frowned, "I'm not sure…. I was planning on going to the mainland. Simmons said I needed to face my fears and it would help if I had a friend for support."

Teyla smiled warmly and gently, "I would be honored to help you… if you let me. I promise to go slow and perhaps we can have you pack up some provisions and a blanket. Just in case I get tired."

"Oh so, like a picnic, but I get to be the pack mule," John said teasingly.

"Exactly," Teyla laughed as she picked up a grape and placed in her mouth.

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Epilogue:

John and Teyla did take their time on the mainland as they both walked the various areas that haunted him and she helped him relive, but face his fears one step at a time. It was a lot more therapeutic than he thought it would be.

When she got tired, John set up the blanket and some food, but it was hard for her to get down that low. So, John found a location that had a place she could sit and make it easier for her. They talked for a long time and cleared any air of any unresolved issues they thought needed to be addressed, but in doing so, they revealed the feelings they've felt for each other over the years.

Teyla was not ready to rush into a new relationship, until some time had passed and John agreed. They wanted it take it slow. They waited this long, they didn't see the harm to wait a bit longer.

The End


End file.
